quoting elizabeth gilbert quoting i think w.c. fields, ‘ it doesn’t matter what they call you, it’s what you answer to’
it’s awful what my own internal being ‘calls me’ sometimes. and how long it takes before i remember i don’t have to believe it. this is a whole dynamic i am committed to shift.
this time last year, i was committed to brushing my teeth gently and slowly. Man, I thought I’d never get there. so much so that i gave up trying, and recently noticed i am pretty slow and gentle brushing my teeth. this gives me optimism about the test at hand.
i’m in a pretty isolated little world. my physical capacity is pretty limited. i don’t get out much. i have no co-workers, clients or even vendors. I have an unusually harmonious homelife and while we are sometimes a bit bored, we are rarely particularly stressed and we have the freedom to pursue our interests. My interests are health, evolution and the we-space. I have so much great information about these things from the dozens of books i am reading at any given time. Brilliant thinkers, compassionate practitioners, inspiring insights. I could talk about it all day. But, i don’t. I don’t do much of anything, actually. Being able to get around a little better, I don’t know what to do. So i’m basically doing the same things I was doing when i couldn’t walk: reading, listening, sitting, being. Part of me is disgusted with myself. Part of me feels incredibly lucky. Part of me is just sitting there, waiting patiently to be inspired to do what life is asking of me.
in 1996 I got a job and kept pestering my new boss for things to do. Finally, he told me ‘i exchange your time for my money. and right now, what i want you to do is sit there and be ready when the time comes that i need you, and don’t bother me until I come to you.’
i feel like i’m in a similar situation with the universe.
The Martha Postlewaite poem that started this blog led to me feeling “Bodyfulness” was the song that is my life falling into my own cupped hands. The energy of that has changed (although i still feel fully resonant with it) and I really have no idea what to do.
Lucky, then, i practice being so much. Because when my habitual deference to my mind starts up again, and tells me what a pathetic and awful loser I am, willfully ruining my own life and others’, at some point the recognition that I have a choice comes up – and my job is reducing my endurance of the awful stories and making the space for life and potential. I think that Jesus said to pray without ceasing because unless life is a prayer, it can get very ugly indeed. at least in my head. i truly hope to grow out of this phase of being and into fuller and fuller surrender, complete with curiosity and trust. more time like that.. yes, please.