the singularity

I’ve never paid much attention to the idea of the singularity, which i understand to be the time when we can upload consciousness and be separate from our organic form. Sci Fi has never been my thing (and I may be totally wrong about what it means). Lately, though, I have been noticing that as a people, we do seem to be idealizing a world where everything goes according to a code that minimizes “undesireable” occurrances and replicates positive occurance after positive occurance, desiring to have a life where we walk from one garden path to the next. This shunning of the fullness of experience and myopic view of what is acceptable (i mean, really, how often do we mourn an occurrance only to find out it was the best thing that could have happened, ie, getting fired from a crappy, crappy job). I used to think it was Sci-Fi but now I am feeling it is what we, as a culture, are asking for as a way to avoid pain.

Avoiding pain makes all kinds of sense, it really does… I get it entirely and participated in said avoidance for decades. Avoid Pain At All Costs! That seems to be the marching cry of our modern world. But then there is this counter-cry: Hey! We’re Not Paying Attention to All of the Damage Our Way Of Life is Causing! This is complicated stuff, and I don’t pretend to have the answers. I do know, in my experience, that opening up to the fullness of experience has unplugged some of my desire for control and replaced it with curiosity, and that the peace of mind available from such a trade is more rewarding than even the biggest of my fleeting experiences of success with control. This may be old news to many people, but for recovering control freaks like me, it is a revelation. It also involves taking off the lenses of “things should go the way we want them to go” and by removing those lenses we can see the damage the endless pursuit of greater levels of attempted control have wrought.

I can feel it welling up in myself from time to time, especially in my intentions for my childrne: I want things to happen in this way so they don’t have to suffer. But is there a life without suffering? Is it possible? I know the Buddha’s father tried to keep suffering from his life without success. He was a king. I have far fewer resources.

I enjoy developing a sense of resilience in myself and in my kids. We had a real disappointment here this weekend, and there was grieving. And there was even a little too much contemplation of “how can we fix this” – something we noticed and unplugged so that the grief could run its course without reengineering the world to ‘make it better.’ We are capable of engaging with life in times of both disappointment and elation. We rarely can control which is coming our way, so we are attempting to build the capacity to receive either and both, just like we receive the benefits and costs of both winter and summer. Life is evolving through us, and life contains the multitudes.

I can see wanting to engineer the perfect life, defining it as without disappointment or pain. And it might even be possible. But, from what I can see in nature, pain often is a threshold to a greater level of living… if we engineer something, it is then defacto limited to our imagination – and while the human imagination is a marvelous thing, it can’t compare to the intricacy of creation, the seamless (though sometimes violent) interdependence of hundreds of thousands of life forms, migration patterns, soil aeration, etc.  The majesty of nature humbles me, and makes me grateful I am a part of it. There was a time when my arrogance would’ve lept at the challenge to engineer a more perfect world, but that was a time when my understanding of the fauna in the world contained the couple of dozen or so species, most of which I knew through zoos. So naive. So certain of her wisdom.

I truly believe all of life is God expressing, regardless of what it looks like. The singularity may be the most natural progression in the world. All I know is that I want to honor the unfolding of something so vast and creative it takes my breath away regularly. and I’m part of it. a part that can notice, and appreciate, and wonder. I like that very much, even though it includes some objectively unpleasant experiences, too.

all. everything.

I’m not sure how I came to think of things as “this” or “that” – but it’s a disservice to pidgeonhole life. everything is multifaceted, and expecting anything to be just one thing seems hopelessly myopic. Recognizing this more and more deeply, I see how much I’ve cut myself off from the fullness of life. If i thought I understood what a crayon was by a single issue, I’d have no idea of the colorful possibilities that awaited me. i’ve done that far too often.
Obviously, people: people are huge combinations of attributes, and then within each attribute there a spectrum possibility ranging from ‘well-fed and content’ versions to ‘scared and defensive’ versions of even one behavior. We are all so multi-dimensional, and how that expresses has such room for variation as well, it’s hard to believe how often i think i “know” someone, when we are ALL growing and changing beings – even the people who doggedly defend a limited identity and try to bend life to maintain it. 
I often learn the lesson of shifting realities when I revisit a restaurant at which i’ve had a great experience. if i make the mistake of singing its praises to someone, it is rare indeed that our next visit will resemble my first. then i’m stuck backpeddling. I really do find it about anything i get overly excited about. the pendulum swings back and I get to experience the disappointment of dashed expectations. It’s usually not a huge disappointment, but it is always a great lesson in appreciating things for being wonderful without ascribing a need for the wonderfulness to continue.
I get the value of consistency… it’s what made McDonalds famous, and I have to admit more than once while traveling I’ve been purely delighted to see a Starbucks, even though I rarely visit Starbucks. Knowing what you’re in for offers comfort.
But, I want to create and experience the evolution of life through me, so trying to replicate comfortable circumstances seems at cross purpose with my larger goal. Learning how to be open to a new intepretation of literally anything, this might provide a comfort with not knowing. Not knowing was an unfortunate condition to be remedied by the person I knew myself as prior to my illness. Not knowing has slowly and continuously become a mark of possibility, the idea I’m moving into new territory, something welcome and full of potential (instead of a mark of insufficiency – quite the trade-up).
Now I have the opportunity to take this learning (ironically about not knowing) and apply it to everything. Or better still, stop applying identifiers (that I expect to last) onto anything. Receiving life as dynamic (not just a rearrangement of yesterday) requires openness. Openness to the new. Even the new in what we think we already know.
I spent most of my life naming things, coming to understand things, putting bits of information into my memory to apply again and again at later times. Trying to know more, be more knowledgable, less surprised. I’ve never been much for material goods, but my ‘acquire, acquire, acquire” addiction was for knowledge. Knowledge that maybe was closing me off even whilst providing comfort.
The Tao Te Ching says (paraphrasing): The path of knowledge is adding something every day. The path of wisdom is releasing something every day. Thank heavens we can shift paths.

Rejection

Today, I am applying my bodyfulness principles to the feeling of rejection in my body. I’ve actually been rejected quite a bit in the last month or so, looking to re-enter the workforce, but today I got rejected by one that really appealed to me. Something I could see myself doing joyfully, for others, in contribution. So the rejection stung in a new way.

Rejection feels tender in my body.  I don’t know how to describe it but to say it feels like the high end of the sensational scale… not deep and grounded, although maybe as i sit with it, it may distill there. To be willing to sit with this, to bring it in and not avoid it (because I am seeing very much how distracting myself would be the perfect and obvious choice in this situation) is new for me.

Over the last month, getting into ‘work mode’ had me sitting to do a bodyfulness practice, and then getting up and throwing myself into an old mindset: the mindset of ‘the work world.’ Not only has that not been successful, it had an energetic signature of frustration and fear and ‘getting over’ that fear and ‘pressing on’ and ‘numbers game’ and general malcontent. Figuring out in the last week or so that I truly need to bring bodyfulness in hasn’t added to my success, but it certainly has me dealing with the myriad emotions more productively. It reorients my dedication to being an agent of peace even in the nooks and crannies. Even when panic is the logical response. Or disappointment. or shame. Letting those emotions show up and be held with openness, curiosity and gentleness.

I know that this is all normal, and that even though it’s obviously time for me to reengage with the work world, this is low-stakes rejection. It’s not like I’ve waited for a kidney and my body doesn’t accept the one I get. That’s some high-stakes rejection. This rejection is ego and comforts and, honestly, other people deciding from a piece of paper that I am not the right fit for them. They really get to do that, and it’s really not an assessment of my worth in the world. How many truly wonderful men did I date before I married my husband? Quite a few, actually (I was very lucky in that regard for the most part), and the fact that I didn’t marry any of them did not make any of them lesser beings (or vice versa). Waiting for the right and obvious fit makes all the sense in the world. I don’t begrudge the employers my rejection, I really don’t. But, that still doesn’t make it easy.

Ironically, my daughter got a job and a backup job today. She interviewed at 2 places and got a second interview for the second. When her first choice called and offered her the job, she pondered how awkward it would be to tell the second interview people later in the day. I told her, “half of the world’s problems come from people trying to avoid 90 seconds of discomfort. Go in, thank them, tell them the truth. 90 seconds later, it will be over.” Except that as she walked away, the interviewer said, “if it doesn’t work out, or next time you’re looking for a job, call me. The fact that you came in and let me know showed me youre the kind of person we want working here.”

With all of the rejection and the awkward and uncomfortable feelings I have, and am committed to processing openly and honestly and as fully as I can muster, I know that life has all kinds of challenges and celebrations, sometimes overlapping, and our openheartedness is what allows us to experience it fully and offer ourselves to life, waves and all.

To our success!

Broad Applicability

When I was evaluating grant proposals, one of the things we looked for was broad replicability – if this project succeeds, can we extend the value of it easily? Is it scalable? How quickly? What would be necessary? Are the processes in place?

The last few weeks have me applying this to my life.

My journey over the past decade has been intensely personal, and my measures quite intimate. I was not participating in culture at large and receiving reviews based on organizational objectives (which, in and of itself, incurred a crisis of determining individual worth in lieu of those objective measures – but I think I’ve written about that quite a bit already – and surely will again, because intrinsic, inherent worth of all of life is a pretty foundational belief in my cosmology). How my lifestyle choices impact my health is just about the most personal biosphere there is, and as I’ve gained competence in navigating that space, my life has improved. Let me tell you the biggest hurdle (as I can assess it right now): It wasn’t learning that cream or corn creates a flare up (that was pretty evident as soon as I started paying attention) it was changing my behavior. Often, even with that knowledge, I’d make a poor choice. Inevitably, I’d have to pay the piper. It took a surprisingly long time for the negative result to escalate enough to finally shift the behavior. How sick did I have to get? Usually ridiculously sick.

The decade wore on and little by little, I’d make the behavioral changes. Little by little, I required less dire results to do so. It wasn’t *just* listening to my body that I had to learn, it was also respecting what I heard, having it be more meaningful than my preconceived notions about what I “should” be able to do/eat/have. As I describe, at first I could hear my body and ignore it. Ignoring it never worked, and yet I persisted (in the name of defending my right to the “normal”). Over time and much error, my body’s signals became paramount and I valued what I felt over my own expectations (or anyone else’s). This was a quantum shift for me, and as I’ve developed the capacity and continue to tune in to my body, my body continues to reward me. I am pretty good at it now (although, sadly, I remain imperfect in my choices).

So, having my sea legs with presence and sensitivity and receptivity in my own physical structure, life said, “hey, let’s get back into the professional world.”

Immediately, all my mental habits regressed 15 years.

I’ve created a lovely little ecosphere between my little family, my relationship with my own body, and the lovely, conscious evolution-oriented micro-communitites I engage. Trying to figure out how to reconcile the “world-at-large” and my proclivities reduced me to the same patterns of predict and control (hahahaha, or “try to”) I’d left behind in all those other categories. Resumes, job boards, keyword searches – how can I apply deep listening, an open heart and surrender to this?

The anxiety of trying to decide what to do (do I revert back to entertainment marketing? What is my ‘humblest option’ since things that I used to be able to jump into just to break the seal are no longer available to me? how do I monetize what I actually love doing?) called forth that long battle of determining my value based on what I do. The powerlessness of submitting resumes to no response reminded me that all of my peace of mind does not pay the bills (it does, please note, reduce the bills – insofar as I’m not seeking peace through acquisition/consumption). My lack of network in SoCal (and my lack of keeping in touch with my larger network due to illness and parenting and things) contributes to the opportunity to feel hopeless.

Arthritis felt hopeless once, too. I felt powerless there, too. Every doctor told me my situation was hopeless and would only decline, just like the article I read that women my age reentering the workforce had exactly zero chance of online resumes landing a job.

By slowing down, unplugging from the ‘common wisdom’ and moving into my personal wisdom (and, finally, acting from that personal wisdom), I’ve moved into a relationship with my body and health that feels powerful and gentle, respectful and full of potential. I’ve defied the common wisdom and am significantly healthier and more capable than I was 10 years ago (when they told me things would only get worse). My current challenges help me sculpt a life that suits me – and they serve as a reminder that takes my “Gemini” mercurial, “Enneagram 7” pain avoidant, self right back into the present moment when my old patterns reemerge. I’m actually profoundly grateful.

I’m glad for the education in scalability that I got as a proposal evaluator and then as an entrepreneur. As I sit facing this new adventure, instead of feeling powerless, I get to choose to expand the circle of my personal success to include livelihood. I know the pitfalls. I know the opportunity. I know that the life that I truly want to live doesn’t come from jumping back into ‘the game’ (which is a shame, because I felt pretty good at it. much like i liked to eat cream sauces), but to carve out a life sourced in connection, deep listening, responsiveness, the consideration of the wellness and autonomy of all parties…

I have no idea what it might look like (if i did, would it be new?) and I know that these qualities can apply anywhere. I’m happy to know the path and the pitfalls, that it’s not a straight line nor does it need to be. That living the life unfolding through me is an enormoous privilege, and offering my gifts in each encounter is all I can ask of myself.

I’m happy to uncover this opportunity. I didn’t realize I had parts still stuck in old patterns – and remembering that awareness is the healing agent makes the process of upgrading those patterns far less daunting. Success in one area can contribute to success throughout the organism… now i’m babbling and way over time…

 

More than meets the eye

During the Bodyfulness calls, we’re focusing our attention on the feeling state of the body, but there is also a context I’m setting – a context of connection, of wholeness, of the de facto truths about our bodies – all of the harmony that is going on between systems to keep us alive, the energetic field of the earth radiating out and through us, our complete interconnectedness with all of nature and all of life as evidenced by our unrelenting exchange of molecules. These are all things that are undeniable but that we, or at least I, typically forget when my mind is assessing what is right and what is wrong with the world.

The last few days, as I’ve struggled mentally and emotionally due to changing circumstances (which I welcome, as uncomfortable as they are, because I want to exchange the known for what’s possible), I’ve neglected to remind myself of some of these truths. Checking in with my body is helpful every time, even when i pop back to my mental discomfort/confusion. But reminding myself of the truths of nature which I started focusing on today, relieves my feelings of isolation. It reminds me that whatever I am going through is part of a much bigger process *that I deeply want to be a part of* and I can rest a little that this ever-evolving life knows what it’s doing.

I can’t decide if that’s spiritual or simply practical. Believing in life seems sortof self-evident. Aligning to nature as it is unfolding seems to make sense being that it has done such a bang up job these last several billion years. I was raised Catholic and truly worship Christ and accept him as my savior, and I also accept Mary and Buddha and Kwan Yin and Ramakrishna and Divine Mother. We have all of these wayshowers and at the end of the day, I feel the message is about Life and choice and truth and trust.

Anyhow

Sometimes things are difficult, and I believe I am moving through this as best I can through staying connected to my feeling state and employing the ice/water/vapor relaxation. And it’s been so helpful. But add in the context about life, about the truths going on in our bodies and our interconnectedness to the whole world with each breath, and the helpfulness and rest expands at an order of magnitude from just me noticing my body. Both seem to be far more powerful than either, although each has a lot of connectivity and potential.

I am doing my best that when my exhalation leaves my body (and makes its way to yours, and to my dear trees outside) that it carries with it acknowledgement that we are all one playing out in infinite expressions, and that I love and support you and yours, and thank you for your contribution to my inhale.

So, thanks.

not a panacea

So I spent the day yesterday in and out of checking in with my physical body and still I struggled. Contemplating that as I went to bed, I realized I didn’t exercise yesterday (well known as the best relief for depression) nor did i eat well. Great reminder that while bodyfulness is remarkably helpful, it is, as the breakfast cereals claim to be, part of a balanced diet. Meaning, you need other constituent parts. I neglected those.

Having that knowledge as I went to sleep, it was much easier today to get up and care for the basics – exercise, meditation, good nutrition and of course bodyful practices – as every bit as important as any other activities I do to try to a) get a job and b) be of service to others. Tending to one’s mental and physical health is a foundational step, not an optional step. As helpful as body awareness is, it is only a part.. How quickly I can forget.

I love the quote “fear is excitement without the breath” and as I tend to all of the parts of my life with a little more care (and not avoiding it due to feeling funky), I can begin to access the excitement aspect of a new chapter. that’s nice to feel. Still uncertainty, just from a different perspective. It’s certainly an improvement.

sharing my process

I didn’t want to write today. I’m depressed. I spent most of the day with a lens that frames me as a total asshole. I can’t say that lens is entirely incorrect. I’ve been trying to use it as a teaching opportunity, to be real with my emotions and explain to my kids that I’m just having a tough time with all of the uncertainty of what’s next for me, how I can be of service in the world and to our family, the insecurity. They’ve been kind, and I’ve been appreciative – letting them know that while they can’t fix what i’m going through, knowing they care helps, and that when they are struggling I will try to do the same for them.

But it sucks.

I would estimate I’ve done 30 practices today. I feel better while I’m actually in the practice, and a few times it had a half an hour or so glow, but the sediment of my subconscious is all stirred up and keeping things murky. Right now I feel it’s a game of endurance. Also, an opening towards more compassion for the very real mental health struggles of a huge swath of the population.

Do the practices I promote really help? I know I have sat on a call and thought, “if they’d only do more practice.” I don’t think I’ll think that anymore. Today, I am feeling it is the reminders about the truth of the physical world: that we are part of a system that is much bigger than even our gorgeous (and sometimes hideous) imaginations can take us, and that natural world is clicking along nicely, miraculously, from atom to cosmos. Understanding myself in the context of life itself unfolding definitely eases the sting of this uncomfortable time. But it doesn’t take it away. At least not yet.

Caroline Casey advocates ritual to let the universe know we’re ready and willing to play. I’ve found a reasonably sized candle to include during my practices and any time I’m feeling particularly beseiged by the feelings (unworthiness, abject assholery, futility, undeservingness, screwing-up every advantage – that might be the worst one, having advantages others don’t have and squandering them)… anyway, me and this candle are going to be spending some time together. And when that candle is burnt down? I guess I’ll let you know.

It’s humiliating to feel this way, and even worse to share it. But I started this writing to document my process as directed by all kinds of people I feel are contributing mightily to the evolution of our society and species (in this case, paul selig’s guides and to a lesser degree NDW) and who say it’s important to do. OK. I don’t like it, though.

Most of the time in my life, I can swing my attitude towards the appreciative. And throwing oneself into service of another is a surefire way to feel better. But with this ‘getting a job’ focus, i don’t really get that luxury. i’ve got to really dig in to me and figuring out how to communicate me. I’m really struggling with that communication bit. I’m so comfortable guiding practices and giving people realtime presence and feedback, reframing things that someone is struggling with… this is my area of happiness. Trying to communicate marketing ROI from my old jobs? I loved those jobs and did quite well in them, and there are aspects of those days I’d be delighted to recreate. But selling myself, framing myself through a lens that might (and i emphasize might) be attractive to a recruiter – this just brings to mind all of the things I *should* be, I *should’ve* been more diligent about. It’s ugly. But here I am in the thick of it. And because it’s the obvious next step for me and my family, I can’t run away. The only way out is through.

I wish I was impervious to this stuff. I wish I could just do a practice and be all better. Contending with all of these emotions is far more difficult than any physical flareup (at least in recent memory) and seems so incredibly self-indulgent and wasteful. But contend I will. Step by step. Breath by breath. Knowing that I am part of something much larger than my individual agenda or the way I’d like to be (and like to be seen). As Bucky Fuller said (and I paraphrase) that which created me has the obligation to sustain me. and so I put my eye on being of service and let the chips fall where they may.

full disclosure

usually when I sit to write,  i’ve meditated or done a bodyfulness practice, or maybe just come off reading something (and, thankfully, most of what I read points me to the possibility in life)… i’m typically feeling like I have something useful to say or ponder. but those aren’t the only parts of my day. for example, I’ve spent most of this morning in quite a state.

Having gotten zero response from any of the resumés I’ve submitted, and being serious about this new direction, I started researching tips for job market re-entry. If you’re planning on something similar, I strongly suggest you refrain from such a search. It is depressing as hell.

I know that growth requires discomfort. I’m even eager to endure the discomfort so I can get to the goodies on the other side. But, man, the uncertainty paired with society’s ‘progress at any cost’ mentality is brutal.

I know that I am a far better person (and so then potentially a far better employee) than I was when I left the job market. I know that when I find a gig, I’ll rock it out. I’m a quick learner, but even more importantly, I genuinely like people. I genuinely enjoy listening and helping. That’s got to be an asset to somebody.

As I sit trying to re-write my resume for the umpteenth time, I have to question if it is worthwhile trying to play in a field that’s lost its humanity, or at least made it secondary. With all that I’ve learned – and not just intellectually – with all that I’ve come to know about my self and my values and my contribution to life, when it becomes clear that I need to expand my participation in the world, i go right back to the standard “this is how you enter the job market”?? I don’t think so. But, how, then?

So my morning has been very difficult to endure. the uncertainty. the insecurity. the frustration.

the good news is that clare dubois recently wrote that Sadhguru told her he wants her uncomfortable – that that’s how the growth can begin. He may as well have been speaking to me, and he’d be very pleased with how uncomfortable I am. because, damn.

one of the strategies I’ve come up with is speaking about bodyfulness to community groups. mostly because bodyfulness is such a freaking treat, and sharing it is great. And more than just *visiting* community groups, where it may take 5 meetings for people to get to know me, the speaking bit might accellerate that. But, this whole endeavor seems to be in my lap because I’m not particularly great at marketing myself. I feel self-serving, even if what I’m marketing completely serves the individual. Part of the excitement about getting a job is doing something someone already knows they need, and doing it well, in service. I know how much it means to me when I need something done and someone actually does it. It’s rare. and it’s delicious. and I want to provide that.

The thing about bodyfulness, much like when I called it ‘slowing down’ is that even the people that think it is a good idea don’t actually realize how much they need it. and i am not motiviated to make them realize they need it. i don’t need to change anyone’s mind. i know they need it – it’s written all over their life. but their life is their business. and even though they say they want [insert benefit that would come from being more present and attuned in life here], they really enjoy the way they live their lives, else they’d change them.

Funny thing is, as I work to bring myself out of this funk, this – well it’s not despair, but i’m pretty sure if i didn’t have this practice it would feel a lot like that – that in order to go out and make the personal connections that can slip me into a place of true service in the world, it looks like i’m going to need to promote bodyfulness, to evangelize a little bit – the thing i’ve been avoiding. The Divine Comedy is sometimes a little ironic for my taste.

well, that was fun…

Six months and over 250 Bodyfulness sessions came to a close today. As Paul Selig’s Guides say again and again, the new comes at the cost of the old – and while Bodyfulness was pretty new to me and didn’t feel at all old, that format ran its course. Yesterday, 6 ladies came and with at least 3 we discussed (and it was evident) how much the practice facilitated their unfolding to their broader, richer, more complete enjoyment of and engagement in life. I was thrilled because Marianne brought Bodyfulness to the direct actions Extinction Rebellion undertook the last few weeks. When I thanked her for bringing bodyfulness to XR, she said, “Bodyfulness brought XR to me, too!” which is both funny and true. I leave this endeavor knowing it has had impact. That feels good.

I also leave this endeavor (or that iteration of it) recognizing how important it is for me to have colleagues. I’ve done a lot of entrepreneurial work over the years, but the years I shone, those were when someone had an objective and I got to do it and plus it up. There was some structure and infrastructure and, most importantly, people.

Yesterday I sat at a cafe in Laguna Beach waiting for Josie. I done something like that in a while. I read and had coffee (which was really good, which is a treat because i never drink coffee and am often disappointed when I do).  People stopped and talked to me like 6 times! One gentleman came over because he noticed my distress (I was reading about some of the horrors of segregation and visibly disturbed) and was so kind. Two ladies chatted then gave me their card so that we could meet there again. The others were less engaged, but still went out of their way to acknowledge me and share the morning just a bit. I took it as a very auspicious sign as I look to re-enter the world in a new way.

I’m also inspired to do *something* with this body of Bodyfulness knowledge that has evolved and taken shape over these 6 months. I’m not sure how it will evolve, but i can’t just put it in a box on a shelf. It’s too helpful to people. It’s easy, pleasant and infinitely accessible. It’s a simple shift that once you start doing it has the paradoxical impact of speeding up unfoldment and ease of the process. Without the pressure of trying to figure out a way to monetize it, I can put it out in the world and let it be of service to whomever finds it.

I have no idea what the next 6 months might hold. I’ve loved every job I’ve ever had (except that hostessing job at Bennigans when I was 18 that lasted 1 shift) and largely knocked each assignment out of the park. Again and again, people who dropped in for a bodyfulness practice told me I was born to do it. And I think that’s true. And stopping this rendition of it doesn’t negate that. The beauty of bodyfulness is that it turns our attention to the essential truth – our experience in this moment, yes, but also the harmony that is going on within and all around us (from a natural world point of view) and offers an escape from the stress and chaos of the mental dominance that is destroying our earth and our individual experiences. This presence and orientation is a habit, and thanks to this intense engagement, it’s a deep habit for me. One that I can employ and eminate wherever I end up. With that knowledge I can take true refuge in, to quote A Course In Miracles (with a slight gender modification)

I am only here to be truly helpful. I am here to represent She who sent me. I don’t have to worry about what to say or what to do, for She who sent me will direct me. I am content going wherever She wishes, knowing She goes there with me. I will be healed as I let Her teach me to heal. (emphasis mine)

With a foundation like that, I can even endure the hardships of the job hunting process with an attitude of service and possibility. Thank Goddess!

welcoming the new

Welcoming the new (at the expense of the old) is a core tenet in my evolutionary outlook. If we’re comfortable, we might not be growing. That razor’s edge between surrender and creativity is a fine line to walk.

It became obvious this weekend that it’s time for me to go back into the world of employment. A new law passed in CA last year that has impacted my husband’s business and cost a couple of key clients. My daughter is old enough to drive my son to his activities. I’ve been enjoying offering Bodyfulness practices for 6 months, but I haven’t been able to achieve any kind of momentum with it. After 17 years out of corporate environments, it’s time for me to go back in.

The last few times I’ve toyed with the idea, the results were disappointing. This time, I can’t worry about that. I’ve got a wide variety of skills and talents (hard to capture on a resume) and I want them to go into service in the world. If only I’d been finishing my Masters via mail order…

I’ll admit, I’m uncomfortable. I’m also excited. I’ve loved being home, and I loved working at all of my various jobs. I’m truly a people-person, and it’s been a little lonely. I’m particularly excited because during my last go as an employee, I wasn’t nearly as balanced or grounded as I am now. I get to go into this new phase with a wealth of new skills garnered from parenthood, illness, extended travel and deep personal work. I’m convinced I’ll be a better employee than I’ve ever been. Now it’s time to convince someone else.

I’ve had a lot of success in my life and career. I’ve also had a fair amount of failure. They say we learn more from our failures, in which case I should know a lot. But, one thing is for sure: I am yearning to contribute. I really want to be a voice for freedom and light and love in the world. There are just so many things to be angry about – and verifiably so. But we don’t change anger with anger. And, truthfully, I’m not sure how we change it. I know that in my own life, it comes from slowing down, from listening, from empathizing and getting creative about new ways to move forward. This way of being has provided more harmony in my life than I imagined possible. My  hope is, whatever is next for me, I can broaden the circles of harmony, the approach of light & freedom.

I’m disappointed in myself that I haven’t been able to make my entreprenurial ventures pan out. I also know people more intelligent, connected and wealthy that are in the same boat. I just have to trust that by being who I am and being open and engaged, I’ll find a way to maintain my light and share it.

This is the hope. Wish me luck!