i’m exhausted

I’m not sure how much I’ve written, though I know I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been in bed. My knees have been such that moving was mostly intolerable, and so i spent most of my time reading and meditating and soaking up movies. I feel obliged to say ‘fewer movies than you’d think’ but even thinking about that shows an essential element of my disease – something my friend recently pointed out. Oh, there’s an idea. I’ve had 3 extremely insightful snapshots come my way recently, and this post is now about them.

The first is from The Chorus who imparted, among other things: my desire to be of service has become overgrown, more than the capacity of the body, and as I increase that desire I’ve been exacerbating the physical problem. That hit home. I can feel the simple desire to be of service had become a desperate panic to figure out how and not getting it and becoming ever more desperate. Nice to be shown. Awareness is the healing agent.

The Chorus had another great gift (many, really, but a 2nd key for here now) which was by inviting my pain, I have been ‘othering’ it. There was ‘me’ the right-thinking-individual and pain, the problem. I am a conscious organism experiencing the life that is unfolding through me right now. What else could I be? I guess in my own mind, I’ve been the great puzzle-solving brain trying to make sense of this whole thing. What a rough road that’s been. The Chorus’ overall advice? Relax, relax, relax. Genius.

Next was my BodyTalk session that discussed active memories woven into ropes and further into nets – – these grievances and remembrances and builders of identity. He extracted the net, and I’m grateful, and it just all jibes so well with Selig’s Guides and identity. I also loved that session because he told me whatever I’ve been doing (medically) has been really helping, that i should be far sicker than I am for the aggressiveness of the disease, and keep it up. Tough to hear whilst laying in bed, but also reassuring. Tough to hear whilst contemplating allopathic treatment, but also reminding me to include and expand, not exclude and replace. Yes, this particular snapshot has brought me many facets, including pride and shame. Thankfully, within a context of love, unity and wholeness.

Finally, my friend Sherwood did a card spread for me and distilled the clarity of how deeply i internalize disapproval, how quickly i am willing to let another opinion make me wrong and regroup or at least think i need to. How much what you might think of me influences how i think o f myself (see first paragraph). Yikes, that’s true. It’s funny because it’s not the persona I discuss about myself (I have a beautifully polished “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me” persona that I’ve found very convincing, personally) but i can feel the pain of the little stuck one taking all of those opinions in…

So, it’s been a lot of insight. It’s also been a lot of pain. and not a lot of motion. and a little bit of a “wow, i don’t think my life can get any tinier” (in terms of interaction with the world beyond my housemates and favorite books). Then, on sunday (today is thursday) it became a lot of drugs. Not that many (.. look! rationalizing again…back to my first paragraph… haven’t I grown at all yet?) I actually don’t even know how much. steroids and morphine. and now i can walk with just minimal support and minimal discomfort. i almost feel i need to retrain myself back into action because 1) i still don’t want to walk. it’s not a lot of discomfort, but it is some. and it is slow. and i can’t exactly stand erect and look like a normal person. and 2) I have no idea what to do. I’ve minimized my obligations so completely, I don’t have anything that ‘needs’ to get done and I have no energy even to reach out to the many people I’d really love to reach out to. Even the Qi Gong program I am so freaking excited about? and the new arm range of motion the steroids have afforded me – I’ve got no energy to actually do it.

and now I’ve got no battery.

i’m excited to know how this no energy thing resolves

and now that I have to admit I am out of my depths with my personal ability to manage my health, I’ll be adding doctor’s appointments to that list.

you gotta start somewhere. and it’s ok to start small. (she writes, begrudgingly, secretly wishing the steroids also came with a fully operational ‘have an awesome impact on the hearts of those who could use your help in and around your community’ business plan and guide book)