This Christmas our family entered a new era… our youngest turned 13 and there were remarkably fewer LEGOs strewn about the house all holiday season long. I hadn’t really realized what a big part LEGO had played in our holidays until I had clean floors from Christmas til New Years. Bittersweet? Maybe a little. I enjoyed our children’s childhoods (so, so much) but I’ve got to admit, I’m enjoying their development into young adults every bit as much. Plus: clear floors.
Clear floors is a big deal, getting bigger by the day for me.
Hi. My name is Lisa and I am increasingly dependent.
I spent my life striving to become independent. Not needing anyone was important to me. I enjoyed *enjoying* people, but I didn’t want to need them. I don’t think I was alone in this misguided aspiration, but I was definitely seriously afflicted.
Now, I’m seriously afflicted by arthritis and <insert mystery illnesses here>. Lately I can’t really walk. I’m dependent and I’m scared and I don’t like it one bit. At least not yet.
Over these years, this disease has taught me a lot. I’ve been able to receive my lot as a blessing in many, many ways. I still feel this way. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned and who I’ve become. It’s just that some part of me thought that if i had a good attitude towards the disease it would go away. it hasn’t.
In fact, it seems to be getting worse. I’ve not re-read much, but i imagine there’s a pattern in these posts that I’m sicker in winter and more capable in summer. Maybe not. I don’t look back much, and perhaps I should start, but the present moment is so interesting it’s hard to pull my attention away. This week, though, has been especially rough and I may have even exhausted my rosy outlook.
I’m not sure if I’m being swept away by guilt (my husband has far too much responsibility in this partnership) or shame (despite visibly deformity, I still often think I am a hypochondriac and that this illness is my fault, a result of things i’ve done wrong that are so intrinsic to me that I can’t even see – – and I’ve spent a decade going deep into unintegrated stuff, healing I am grateful for but which obviously isn’t enough – oh, and let’s not even get started on my professional gaffes). What I do know is that I don’t like being a burden and I am little other than that these days.
I believe in and trust in and surrender to Life Itself as having far greater synergy and order than my little human mind can comprehend. I willingly give myself to that higher intelligence and offer myself to play whatever role might be most helpful to the evolution of life in general and to creating a society that honors life in ALL. I really am down with that. I really don’t mind being still, feeling the world around me and spending hour after hour blessing or forgiving or shining light on everything that comes to mind. I feel incredibly fortunate to have time to read the many visionary teachers active on earth today and in times past. What I hate is not being able to reach a glass 2 feet away from me.
This week we’ve been wheelchair shopping. Whats worst is my upper body doesn’t have the strength that i can even hope to wheel myself. More dependency. More pulling my husband away from doing all the things that keep the lights on, and the kids fed, and the dog walked, so he can put on my socks.
and it may only get worse. that’s daunting.
i’m sorry for this post. it’s just been a rough week and I perceive I do mostly posts about how good this journey has been for me, i thought was important to document the more emotionally challenging periods as well.