yes, even slower

I can’t remember the topic of my latest posts, and I should probably check, but i think i wrote of the struggle of ‘i’d be better if…’ and ‘if only i could align my thoughts i wouldn’t experience pain’ kind of stuff.

Turns out, I had a doozy of a flare up. Whether be it due to thoughts, weather, or potato chips, i got to slow down again. real slow. slower still.

And I thought, “i can’t possibly need to go slower” and life said to me… “…actually…” and so slower still I went and more insights revealed themselves. Insights on everything from my posture and the way I carry my weight to road blocks in interpreting certain family members’ antics. Insights. Opportunities to notice and change. A whole lot of uncomfortable, but by slowing down and not resisting, a more nuanced step forward, with the kinds of habits and thought processes that will better serve a legacy of health (even if an imperfect expression).

I’ve been excited as I’ve been feeling better to also have the felt sense that the changes got made beyond a superficial fix. When my body really hurts, typically, if i go slowly enough I can find a pace that doesn’t activate any of the pain. i mean, it’s ridiculously slow. it could take me 12 minutes to walk the 30 feet to the kitchen, but what else have I got to do? Whatever plans I had fall directly off a cliff when i have a flare up, and the whole day is mostly stillness or self-explored physical therapy. And some of the revelations and pacing has given me cues to continue to influence the way I walk and stand and interact.

What’s even more exciting is that even as I move into 5th level physical slowness, my mental track shifts gears as well, allowing more inputs and fewer outputs (an increase in noticing that with which I’m interacting, and decrease in intrusive chatter). I can experience more gratitude and less judgement – even about things that obviously really need my judgement (is there actually anything that needs judgement? depends on when you ask me).

I’ve been in a fog for several months, trying to endure it, apply what I know, surrender, look to create for the betterment of all… this flare up feels to mark the distillation of the fog (remembering “Code to Joy” and the idea that an acre of dense fog is about 8 oz of water – an easily manageable amount!) and I trust that I can maneuver within it differently moving forward.

I really thought -for the last few months- that I needed to speed up to get out of the fog. Action is what would transform the energy. I tried all kinds of action. Mostly disappointing results – although plenty of very nice occurrences, too. But it’s not action that is saving me. Once again, it’s a deeper level of slowing down. You’d think I’d bet on that pony more readily, but my habit is to think Quick Wit offers the best odds. I trust I’ll learn sooner or later.