pain? pain. pain!

I’m going to process some stuff online, here. I’m actually incredibly curious as to where it’s going to go. I don’t have the intention for ‘the moral of the story’ but really want to look at uncomfortable meanderings and see if I can unearth a deeper level of truth.

I have to admit, I have come to be grateful for the pain I experience. It has slowed me down in a way and to a degree I never would have self-selected, but that slowness, that stillness, that unplugging from the “Now! Now! Now!” of life has been enormously enriching. Enormously.

So, does that mean I’m attached to the pain I experience? It might. And that would be a shame. I mean, I don’t want to be creating pain because I’ve attached a benefit to it. At the same time, I have worked so many freaking programs to transcend it, choose differently, exert my co-creative potential for perfect health.

I want to say “none of them worked” but that wouldn’t be true. All of them worked in part. Some little parts, some big parts. But nothing ‘took away’ the pain in my body. Bummer, because that would’ve been nice.

I have experienced a few ‘healing events’ which I have equated with ACIM’s “there is no order of difficulty in miracles” and Abraham-Hicks’ “a button is the same effort as a castle” – so if I am experiencing incremental healing, and incremental healing and total healing have no separation in effort…

Here’s what I’m struggling about: I don’t want to be constantly making a choice to create pain. It sure doesn’t feel like the pain I experience is a choice. Sometimes, it does; if i eat something with heavy cream, I am definitely choosing to move very little the next day. But, for the most part, it feels like pain was imposed upon me. I get happy with myself for choosing to say, “ok, if this is here, it must be here with the possibility for awakening through it,” and then someone reminds me that if i were doing life right, choosing in a more woke fashion, had better faith/trust/belief/surrender, I could be experiencing all my growth with perfect health.

There’s a whole strain of the new age movement (and mysticism, and other belief systems) that tell me pain is a choice.

I tried VERY hard to NOT CHOOSE PAIN and yet the pain remained.

Which just gave me another thing to beat myself up with. A failure. If only I could release my resistance to its being easy to manifest perfect health.

So, that feels awful. Potentially true, but awful. I am separate, I make poor choices, I’m modeling poor choice-making behavior and a variety of other implications.

Another part of me says, “hey, wait a second. it may be true that unprocessed grief and trauma led me to experience physical breakdown (and not just genetics or the luck of the dice), but by learning to follow the body’s lead I’ve been accessing deeper levels of presence which is naturally tending to the unprocessed stuff, as well as enriching my life and making me more present to my family and more transparent in communication and being in the world. That seems positive.”

And another part says, “yeah, well, if you were doing it right, you’d be pain-free.”

To which another part replies, “who says pain-free is the superior state? Pain, pleasure… these are experiences – there’s no ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ The key is to experience the moment with an open heart, curiosity, and compassion no matter what it contains.”

And up pops the realization that a part of me is still afraid of “doing it wrong.” Makes sense. Human.

The deeper truth is I have a lot to learn. I have far more freedom than I’ve understood how to harness. When I meet the moment with presence, curiosity and willingness, I am open. I am open to my role as a creator as well as to my role in a mystery. I don’t need a specific result. My deepest longing is to be of service to life itself, to allow the new to be born in and through me, to hold a field of presence that acknowledges and honors all of life. even the pain. also offering a space where the pain can be resolved.

One thing that seems to be true: If the pain is going to resolve, it’s above my pay-grade at the present moment. I may be well be growing into a role that can transform it, no problem. But, I’m not there yet. And I subscribe to the idea that ‘what’s in the way, is the way.’ and so, on I go, listening to the body, offering myself in service, and meeting the day as it comes.