flare ups

Flare ups teach me a lot, but i never know if i’m fully getting the message. I think there is some very direct potential learning that i keep somehow completely overlooking, but, nonetheless, i always get some form of learning. You’d think I’d learn (more/better/faster) but i am inching my way long.

Yesterday’s lesson was that I’ve got very, very nice practices to apply to nearly fill a day with. Yesterday, moving involved agony, so I didn’t move a whole lot. It REALLY made me realize how much I’d been moving, how I was practically normal since maybe June and then *poof* whether it was the weather, poor food choices, the humiliation of being ghosted by my willingness to take a real stretch of a job, or some other factor, yesterday was a day of stillness. I spent a fair bit of time just focusing on my body and relaxing. I spent a fair bit of time imagining making VR stories of The Biggest Little Farm, I spent a fair bit of time …

well, i spent a fair bit of time recognizing how relentless my brain is at spinning doomsday stories.

being Bodyful counters that, so I have the reservoir of stored experience of feeling at peace in the present moment, in total connection with Life Itself and all of nature – which makes the mental construct so freaking uncomfortable. My mind spinning stories of all of my failure and hopelessness and the need for several key shifts to be anywhere near OK.

Then, ok, interesting thought, where does it come up in the body?

then accessing the peace. releasing resistance. spending a few breaths like that, then, like an addict, looking at all of the evidence that says, ‘this is not ok.’ and having to endure that pain (worse than the physical pain) until i remember, finally, to go back to the body.

So funny that a body in pain feels better (easier, more contained, more manageable) than a mind in pain.

The sources of the mental pain may be true, and may not be. The validity of the evidence of insufficiency is not in question. the question is: is this my best choice? is entertaining and mourning the evidence and spinning potential scenarios of ruin or supernatural saving – is that a creative act? Is that helping me open to more love, freedom and relationship? That’s a pretty solid “no.” and so I go  back into my body and relax. and it takes about 30 seconds for my doom scenario to restate the evidence that right now at this very second, things are careening down a very bad pathway, and if i don’t make some changes soon, <insert sad, dangerous, inescapable scenario here>. …then i have to notice (mostly by my depleted attitude) i’m on the wrong track again, and breathe into the body and recognize my constant interchange with nature… and that lasts for however-many breaths before I move into my next fear-based assessment of me personally or my life in general. It’s exhausting.

But, boy am I glad that I get the reprieves! Those moments in the body, where the future isn’t present, my inadequacy is replaced by my being. The peace of those few breaths is in such stark contrast to the stories my mind spins – it’s enough to make me committed to more breaths like that because they are so peaceful and the mental space is so agonizing. Obviously, I’d like to be evolved enough to constantly be in presence, but constantly is made up of a whole lot of moment-by-moment choices. I’m committed to engineering my ratio to be in peace more and more often. And then, at a certain point, it’s like, “why do i think these things at all?” and is it possible to have the story of not-enoughness become as weird and inaccessible as the stories of instant manifestation is to me now?

I don’t know what my role on earth is or is supposed to be, but I do know that the fullness of my being is here in service of love, freedom and relationship – all inclusive,  all encompassing. Dedicating myself and my time thusly, I can be in a relationship of harmony with All That Is, knowing that whatever I encounter is exactly served up for the evolution of my soul and the opportunity for me to meet life with blessing (instead of fear) is the single most important choice I’ll make in any given moment. My habits reflect a worldview of just keeping my head above water, and even then only barely, interspersed with periods of flow and entitlement (that hurts to admit). It is dropping into my body again and again and again that i begin to develop more substantial habits, consciously chosen from a loving and surrendered mindset.

This is the work.