I’m up later than I want to be, but I want to write and capture my state here tonight…
I got a job today. A job I’m not particularly excited about, but still grateful for. I’m glad for the opportunity – I sent out hundreds of resumes to crickets and rejections, so someone who is actually interested in hiring me – and has a job that pays money – is a welcome relief. I’m excited to be out in the world a bit more, and given that my current spiritual practice is to recognize the Divine in Everything, it should give me all kinds of good opportunity, but I’m also wildly disappointed it’s not sexier or more interesting. I’ve had sort of a charmed life, and this is an extremely mundane job so it feels kindof “off” but again, it’s here and open to me in a great field of not open to me, so it’s the obvious choice of what is next.
I am glad I separated my ‘work in the world’ from ‘job’ and I think that having a job and contributing to my family income may just fuel the work i feel is so natural to me and important. So, that’s a nice prospect. And the truth is I may be able to be of service to people in this role. That would be nice. And small, unappealing things have become quite great in my life several times before, so who knows what might happen.
I have SO MANY IDEAS of really good things I could do in the world and how i might be an asset to so many different kinds of companies or organizations, but NONE OF THEM CARE. It’s humbling. a little disheartening. certainly it makes me question my value and my worth. But hasn’t that been the journey? Hasn’t an enormous aspect of this journey been separating my worth from some need for action? That line from ACIM that says, “I am content being wherever He wishes knowing He goes there with me..” and then I want to get fussy about where I think would be better? OK, mundane job: I’m yours. and I’ll be there with a smile, regular prayer and blessing, and the best performance I can muster. Everything is of God or nothing is. There is no order of difficulty in miracles.
My desire to be special and interesting and charmed is very much pales in comparison to my desire to be of service and to engage in life with openness and curiosity, yet faced with the prospect of people knowing i’ve taken a menial job, a part of me is embarrassed and ashamed. I guess this is my next opportunity to grow, to anchor myself in the truth of the moment and not the picture I’d like to paint. To quit valuing things based on my perceptions and be in touch with the life flowing through all things in the moment.
So, I’m happy, and i’m a little sad, and i’m curious and I do have this underlying feeling that something great may grow where and when i least expect it. If i strip away my ideas of what is not good enough, i’m actually kindof excited.