Today, I am applying my bodyfulness principles to the feeling of rejection in my body. I’ve actually been rejected quite a bit in the last month or so, looking to re-enter the workforce, but today I got rejected by one that really appealed to me. Something I could see myself doing joyfully, for others, in contribution. So the rejection stung in a new way.
Rejection feels tender in my body. I don’t know how to describe it but to say it feels like the high end of the sensational scale… not deep and grounded, although maybe as i sit with it, it may distill there. To be willing to sit with this, to bring it in and not avoid it (because I am seeing very much how distracting myself would be the perfect and obvious choice in this situation) is new for me.
Over the last month, getting into ‘work mode’ had me sitting to do a bodyfulness practice, and then getting up and throwing myself into an old mindset: the mindset of ‘the work world.’ Not only has that not been successful, it had an energetic signature of frustration and fear and ‘getting over’ that fear and ‘pressing on’ and ‘numbers game’ and general malcontent. Figuring out in the last week or so that I truly need to bring bodyfulness in hasn’t added to my success, but it certainly has me dealing with the myriad emotions more productively. It reorients my dedication to being an agent of peace even in the nooks and crannies. Even when panic is the logical response. Or disappointment. or shame. Letting those emotions show up and be held with openness, curiosity and gentleness.
I know that this is all normal, and that even though it’s obviously time for me to reengage with the work world, this is low-stakes rejection. It’s not like I’ve waited for a kidney and my body doesn’t accept the one I get. That’s some high-stakes rejection. This rejection is ego and comforts and, honestly, other people deciding from a piece of paper that I am not the right fit for them. They really get to do that, and it’s really not an assessment of my worth in the world. How many truly wonderful men did I date before I married my husband? Quite a few, actually (I was very lucky in that regard for the most part), and the fact that I didn’t marry any of them did not make any of them lesser beings (or vice versa). Waiting for the right and obvious fit makes all the sense in the world. I don’t begrudge the employers my rejection, I really don’t. But, that still doesn’t make it easy.
Ironically, my daughter got a job and a backup job today. She interviewed at 2 places and got a second interview for the second. When her first choice called and offered her the job, she pondered how awkward it would be to tell the second interview people later in the day. I told her, “half of the world’s problems come from people trying to avoid 90 seconds of discomfort. Go in, thank them, tell them the truth. 90 seconds later, it will be over.” Except that as she walked away, the interviewer said, “if it doesn’t work out, or next time you’re looking for a job, call me. The fact that you came in and let me know showed me youre the kind of person we want working here.”
With all of the rejection and the awkward and uncomfortable feelings I have, and am committed to processing openly and honestly and as fully as I can muster, I know that life has all kinds of challenges and celebrations, sometimes overlapping, and our openheartedness is what allows us to experience it fully and offer ourselves to life, waves and all.
To our success!