I didn’t want to write today. I’m depressed. I spent most of the day with a lens that frames me as a total asshole. I can’t say that lens is entirely incorrect. I’ve been trying to use it as a teaching opportunity, to be real with my emotions and explain to my kids that I’m just having a tough time with all of the uncertainty of what’s next for me, how I can be of service in the world and to our family, the insecurity. They’ve been kind, and I’ve been appreciative – letting them know that while they can’t fix what i’m going through, knowing they care helps, and that when they are struggling I will try to do the same for them.
But it sucks.
I would estimate I’ve done 30 practices today. I feel better while I’m actually in the practice, and a few times it had a half an hour or so glow, but the sediment of my subconscious is all stirred up and keeping things murky. Right now I feel it’s a game of endurance. Also, an opening towards more compassion for the very real mental health struggles of a huge swath of the population.
Do the practices I promote really help? I know I have sat on a call and thought, “if they’d only do more practice.” I don’t think I’ll think that anymore. Today, I am feeling it is the reminders about the truth of the physical world: that we are part of a system that is much bigger than even our gorgeous (and sometimes hideous) imaginations can take us, and that natural world is clicking along nicely, miraculously, from atom to cosmos. Understanding myself in the context of life itself unfolding definitely eases the sting of this uncomfortable time. But it doesn’t take it away. At least not yet.
Caroline Casey advocates ritual to let the universe know we’re ready and willing to play. I’ve found a reasonably sized candle to include during my practices and any time I’m feeling particularly beseiged by the feelings (unworthiness, abject assholery, futility, undeservingness, screwing-up every advantage – that might be the worst one, having advantages others don’t have and squandering them)… anyway, me and this candle are going to be spending some time together. And when that candle is burnt down? I guess I’ll let you know.
It’s humiliating to feel this way, and even worse to share it. But I started this writing to document my process as directed by all kinds of people I feel are contributing mightily to the evolution of our society and species (in this case, paul selig’s guides and to a lesser degree NDW) and who say it’s important to do. OK. I don’t like it, though.
Most of the time in my life, I can swing my attitude towards the appreciative. And throwing oneself into service of another is a surefire way to feel better. But with this ‘getting a job’ focus, i don’t really get that luxury. i’ve got to really dig in to me and figuring out how to communicate me. I’m really struggling with that communication bit. I’m so comfortable guiding practices and giving people realtime presence and feedback, reframing things that someone is struggling with… this is my area of happiness. Trying to communicate marketing ROI from my old jobs? I loved those jobs and did quite well in them, and there are aspects of those days I’d be delighted to recreate. But selling myself, framing myself through a lens that might (and i emphasize might) be attractive to a recruiter – this just brings to mind all of the things I *should* be, I *should’ve* been more diligent about. It’s ugly. But here I am in the thick of it. And because it’s the obvious next step for me and my family, I can’t run away. The only way out is through.
I wish I was impervious to this stuff. I wish I could just do a practice and be all better. Contending with all of these emotions is far more difficult than any physical flareup (at least in recent memory) and seems so incredibly self-indulgent and wasteful. But contend I will. Step by step. Breath by breath. Knowing that I am part of something much larger than my individual agenda or the way I’d like to be (and like to be seen). As Bucky Fuller said (and I paraphrase) that which created me has the obligation to sustain me. and so I put my eye on being of service and let the chips fall where they may.