usefulness

I worked for a great guy once named Ty Damon. I was super eager and wanting to be impactful and ready to take on anything, so everything he gave me I’d throw myself into and be ready for the next project far too soon. “How can I help?” “What can I do?”

Finally, he said to me: “How you can help is to quit bugging me for things to do. I trade your time for my money. I want you to sit there and be ready when I need you.”

I feel like i’ve been doing the same thing with The Universe. I want to feel busy and purposeful. I’m chomping at the bit to be of service beyond my inner sphere. I spend a lot of time in my inner sphere – inside my own body (relaxing as much as possible) and in my little foursome of a family. Lots of time. And it’s good time. Even when I’m in pain being in my body offers a feeling of wholeness and presence which are the foundations of contentment, and we have remarkable harmony in our home. So, it’s really a lovely place to be. And I know raising my kids outside of the ratraceĀ is a service to humanity, but I’d like to be of more direct service.

I used to do it with cooking quite a bit, open houses and entertaining, but my hands aren’t quite so nimble. I really enjoy doing it through the shared bodyfulness practice online, but my inability to coalesce the website and whatnot are kindof overshadowing that time for me. Plus, I haven’t enjoyed my hair all year. Weirdly enough, that makes a difference (my daughter and I just had this conversation).

So, happy as I feel, with many areas of relaxation and surrender, I also feel areas of disappointment, fear and shame. And so I endeavor to embrace those areas, to feel them fully, often I invoke The Presence Process’ “I am here now in this.” and they dissipate, and they return and lately have been having their way with me for quite some time before i smarten up and relax into them again. I should be doing more. <long stories about arrogance and wasted potential>. Breath. I am here now in this. body is in space. breath is happening. stories don’t matter. staying present to the feeling state of what is actually matter, and the only matter you can truly know the insides of… that’s what matters. and as we connect with the physical sensation of this current incarnation, we are de facto connected, intertwined and interdependent with every atom in this (relatively) closed system on planet earth (as well as beyond – maybe even inside as much as outside). There’s a huge amount of data in each feeling, and being that we’re always assimilating our physical environment through breathing and digesting (as the mental realm is being fed the inputs of movies, magazines, the internet as culture) – our unity is so apparent, it’s hard to believe we could ever believe otherwise.

Part of unity is shadow, having space for the shadow to be acknowledged, held. Held within the totality of Love, of the completely innocent, where there is nothing to defend. all is accepted. Fear is part of love, too; it just doesn’t know it. But love knows.