just when i thought i was x

summer took over about 3 weeks ago, and i was feeling good. ‘summer is my time’ i thought, remembering last year’s generally very good summer. and i don’t know if i am upper limiting myself, but practically as soon as i said it.. i am not good again, and i don’t know if its what i ate, activity, exertion, mental level activity, actually a positive detoxing… i have no idea. i am just having a hard time moving.

it definitely has its benefits, though. it slows me down and lets me dig in to some of the glorious deliciousness I wouldn’t have time for – right now Unitive Justice and The Tao of Change. both glorious. and i do my perelandra, and as many bodyfulness practices as I can shake a stick at (consciously relaxing hundreds of minutes per day, in stillness and activity). and i feel incredibly privileged. which makes me feel guilty. which makes me point at the illness and say, ‘you’re faking this so that you can have that good stuff and have an excuse not to have a real job or be too busy and occupied by the affairs of the world.” am i self-sabotaging? did i get bit by a tick? you just have to look at my hands to know there is something not quite right in my body, so i know its not totally psychosomatic.

and then i check in with my body.

my body doesn’t care. the reasons why i am in this feeling state , the story behind it? Not interesting. You know what’s interesting? what’s under it. what’s just beneath it? what’s under is what’s up. not the story, the feeling. and the breath leads you ever-there.

i love dropping out of a mental construction like that – especially the ones that play me as the villian.

i am all of it. we are all, all of it. our minds? at their height they can really only understand a fraction of what’s going on. how many things I thought would suck turned out to be wonderful. how many things i was so sure was the right thing to do, really messed things up. moments of genius. moments of failure. moments thinking one thing and not even knowing it. defending. projecting. judging. strategizing. it’s as exhausting as it sounds. And if we don’t give our minds a break (by spending a breath or two (or one hundred) in the feeling state of the body) they will drive us to the ground. Like the genie looking for work.

I don’t doubt that i made up the physical issues I contend with. to save myself. my body found a way to get my attention and it worked.. My mind was on a path of constantly assessing my worth and impact and judging my weaknesses. There were always plenty – just enough successes to make me worthy of living, but enough failures to let me know i wasn’t enough, and please, yes, try harder. Rely on me to keep assessing and pushing the carrot.

I still have all of that. But now it is counter-balanced with lots of moments of communing with nature, be it outside or inside my body – importantly, BOTH. Moments of wholeness can counterbalance a whole session of self-flaggelation, and increasingly, wholeness intervenes earlier and earlier in the beatings. Even if what my mind is arguing is true – essentially, so are a million other things. We are truly infinite. There is no finite path we walk. as evidenced by the fact that no one’s life is a straight line. Infinite. By nature.

And thereby, infinite stories. A simple breath of relaxing releases the stories, if only for that second. actively unplugging something. Consciously being here now. None of the stories matter. The being matters. The being fuels all the directions of the day, of our lives. It’s seems to me always the best way to spend a breath. Like this one. Now. Please join me.