ups and downs

Last time I wrote, I had been struggling with headaches and a few days later, I found out why… After my hip surgery, I ditched most of my medicines, but kept a few of the severe pain meds in case something unexpected happened (a fall, etc.). Silly me, I put them in a small container in which I’d received some THCa pills, which is very effective for arthritis. Anyhow, I found the container and thought, “wow! I forgot I had THCa” and took one. Felt great that day, but the ensuing headache came in and out for a week and I’m still rebuilding my gut flora. Very disappointed in myself for such a rookie mistake, careless, stupid. Hopefully: lesson learned. Certainly: lesson experienced.

The last 2 weeks have been full of ups and downs. For the most part I’ve weathered them better than at any other point in my adulthood, mostly, I believe, due to the bodyfulness practice. Remembering to breathe. Remembering to feel, and to be OK with what surfaces. Remembering that my focus in this life is presence and authenticity and love. Desires for money and impact and approval give way to remembering that abundance isn’t surplus, it’s having what you need when you need it. The mental back and forth had more volleying than I’ve had in a while (birthdays may do that to you), but in the end I could be more present to darn near everything being god’s way of playing “can you see me now?” But the internal struggle can ramp up with the strangest prompts. And, much of what my mind presents me with is pretty valid. Perhaps my life has as much peace as it does because I play it safe. Perhaps my flaws are so great I stay in a small circle of acceptability. Perhaps my individual brokenness is what keeps my delightful potential from expression in any practical ways. Any of it, all of it may be true. And while it can derail my day for a few minutes, or cast over it like a fog for a day or more, it’s not my business. Sitting in a bodyfulness practice may feel better, but sometimes it doesn’t – it feels like a lie. Ah, well. Sometimes days are like that.

What I love most, what gives me reliable relief is this idea that my job (our job) is to just be here – to be on earth at this time holding the vibration we were born with (amplifying it if we can, maybe, raising it if we can, but not necessary) and being here. Trusting that nature does its work all across the universe with remarkable precision, and I am part of that precision whether it feels like it or not.  This takes all the pressure off. This lets me approach my life, my day, my interactions with a freedom and curiosity that says, “I’ll bring the best I’ve got right now to this, but there’s not fear of failure because Life Itself is moving through me and that is most definitely enough (whether I am or not).”

That’s all I’ve got some days, and remarkably, that’s enough.