practice, practice, practice

Walking my dog this morning, I had to drop my shoulders about a dozen times. In maybe a 20 minute walk. and tree pose while she does her business. Being present not only to my body, but to the habits I acquired over a lifetime that I now have the privilege of making conscious and making new choices.

It’s so remedial. And it is so powerful.

I thought waking up would consist of meeting a spiritual teacher and community that wouldn’t have the trials and tribulations of “regular life.” I’ve never joined such a community, or met a teacher that made me want to pick up and follow.

The truth is, for me, waking up (or becoming alive and present to life in the moment) seems to consist of noticing my own body. my spiritual teacher is within me (as yours is within you) and the community seems to be shaping up to be all of the me’s in there that I’ve shunned or repressed and that by releasing resistence to that which I constantly resisted before, i can integrate, I become whole – and I experience that wholeness through the feeling state of my body.

I know I talk about this stuff ad nauseum, and I should really do less stream of consciousness writing and more editing, but exploring this is the most interesting thing in the world to me. The idea that my efforts in life were to turn me into the best me i could be (which included wiping out all of my extremely annoying ways of being) has given way to my openness to all of me, even the parts I am ashamed of (for example: I get some Kali energy from time to time and I am relentless and unapologetic. I tried for years to shut that part of me down and it would spring back forcefully. Now, I accept it. I (am doing my best to) stop resisting it.  So, now, instead of trying to become someone better, I am trying to be gentle and present to the me that I am. She’s going to evolve naturally, because that is what life does. She’s going to evolve most gloriously from a foundation of wholeness, I can feel that right down to my toes. The 30 or so years of trying to get her to evolve into something i wanted left me frustrated and disappointed in myself.

That’s another interesting piece, I think… my own flawed views on what would be best. and ever-strategizing “better.” I’m less and less interested in what I think might be better. I’m really curious about “now.” I’m leaving the authorship to life itself, as it flows through this body it created, and I’m finally more interested in that unfolding than in the creation of a life whose basic specs were scribbled on a napkin I carried around through my teens and twenties, incorporating everyone’s opinion of me and culture’s dictates. Yeah. That napkin is not the map I want anymore. I want the most luxurious unfolding of my own DNA (I have a theory that our DNA has a spectrum of possible unfoldment, depending on the constriction of the body. Basic, no-frills unfolding for the stressed cells. Broader, richer unfolding of a wider variety of traits for the relaxed, expansive cells. No evidence at all here (although some may exist), but it feels right for me.