canceling

… i have a 75% increase in acheyness than I’ve had the last week or two. I was noticing I was feeling quite good, so I attempted to start the long-put-off task of cleaning the garage. Now, you may notice a pattern here: stable health leads to “i should be able to do this now” leads to backslide, and it’s true, that’s what happened, but I think I learned from it better this time, remembering how important it is for me to enforce 15 minutes of rest to 45 minutes of activity if I am going to exert myself. It’s a totally manageable formula and surprisingly productive, and I neglected to employ it and so I get a few days to be a little less active [I want to write: to contemplate my error, and I feel that’s from my parochial upbringing because this stillness isn’t here for me to contemplate my error; it’s here to remind me to breathe, value stillness as every bit as good/productive/interesting as activity, to read some things I find interesting and engage presently with my family and the cadence of our natural rhythm…

Problem is, I had plans tonight. Like, the first grown-up, social thing on the calendar in several months. Months. It’s kindof sad. These are people I really love and we don’t get the opportunity to see each other often. My mind is attempting to get traction on the ‘this is unacceptable’ stance. i said i would go and now i’m not going. that feels out of integrity. And it’s a celebration I felt honored to be included in. Certainly doesn’t demonstrate that, does it?

And yet, my body is fine with it.

When i bring to mind trying to rally and get there, my aches ramp up. When I imagine staying here, writing this and a few other ideas i’ve been enjoying, my body relaxes. opens up. not a lot, just subtly, but that will be a fun edge to work with throughout the day.

The bad things may be true: I may be out of integrity (how often am i really in integrity about time?) and unreliable. These unfortunate parts of the mix that is me disappoint me and the person I want to be/way I want to show up in the world/life i’d like to cultivate.

The good news is that i’m fully living the life i’m actually living, and deferring to my feeling state and that feels like a win.

As I contemplate the voices in my head saying, ‘you should…<get out more><do more things><honor time commitments>’ I know they could be right, no question, it may be better to do it and would even make me a better person. But, it is relieving to make peace with the fact that I’ve only got what I’ve got, and it’s unfolding and I sure as heck am doing my best.

I always thought that was my senior quote: “do the best at what’s before you, try to keep a smile on your face, and let the universe take care of the rest…” or so I thought…. when we packed up our stuff in 2015 I saw my yearbook and it actually was from an America song… ‘Oz never did give nothing to the tin man that he didn’t already have.”

It is funny to think i’ve developed spiritually, and then i go back and read stuff from 20 years ago, and it’s all the same stuff. I have the perception of change, and a feeling of change, too, but an underlying sameness is at least as true.

I would like to be a person who naturally and reliably shows up on time. That has not been my experience. It may be in the future, but certainly not through self-shaming (I’ve tried that approach for too many years) – but I am present and I notice and at the very least I am listening to the feeling state of my body and aligning to my deeper yes.