a little rain must fall…

I’m out of sorts.

It’s not a big deal, nor is it an unusual situation. From time to time, I might get a little overwhelmed or sad or confused. These things happen. They’re not fun, but I am lucky because they are not all-consuming.

When I check in with my body, I don’t feel anything in particular. I can sit for a few minutes and notice.. be with myself.. relax.. but today, when i re-engage with the world, i have a subtle malaise. I think it might be time for a nap.

But, first: candor. Sometimes I’m not exactly proud of myself. I make mistakes and fall down and blame others. Even with all this work. Even with the best intentions. Sometimes, not only do I fail, but I don’t even know it yet. Talk about foolish… But, isn’t that wholeness? This idea of trying to wipe the black off of the yin/yang symbol, of having things only be Light – this isn’t wholeness.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately encouraging enviro-activists that the way we treat and relate to our bodies is analogous to the way we treat the earth. If we’re wrecking ourselves to defend the earth, we aren’t being quite as noble as we may be intending. This holistic approach really does make us take responsibility in the microcosm before moving out to adjust the macro. And the macro needs our help, don’t get me wrong – it is just that it needs the help of balanced, grounded, real people. How do we become that?

For me, the answer is “be in relationship with my body in a way that listens more than I assert.” Sub-answers include: spend time in nature, be gentle with thyself, relax a little.

I read this weekend that Thomas Edison said the body was simply something to carry the brain around. I wonder if i read that as a youngster, because I certainly espoused that philosophy (and just said ‘youngster’ as if i was a million or more years old, but I digress…). That’s industrialism for you. Progress always and at all costs. Our culture has remarkable wonders thanks to this kind of thinking, but we’ve lost a lot as well. Quite a lot. The good news is: balance is available, and it’s our decision, our choice.. each of us.

If I were to guess the cause of my low energy (not that I have to… sometimes energy is low. that seems pretty normal to me. wanting to be chipper all of the time seems somewhat misguided, but that may be because I’m not fully connected to the inner wellspring) I think I started to get expectations about my ability to help people. I’m really only able to be present. Whether or not that helps has very little to do with me, I think. Wanting to help is fine and all, but so often for me it becomes wanting to fix and the truth is, none of us need fixing – and even if we did, I’m certainly only responsible for willingness, not result. And what do I even want? Why get into this murky water?

I can tell you truly that I want only one thing: To See God Everywhere. No one can help me do it (although the presence and contribution of so many people continue to lead me, to demonstrate the shedding of everything else) but there is no more interesting trajectory of evolution for me. and seeing God everywhere doesn’t place any expectation on anyone. No one needs to show up to help me see it, and no one needs to change. It’s all about my inner world, perspective, and beliefs.

Sometimes, I glimpse the possibility of the goal. Some days are harder than others. Some days it seems stupid. Some days I wonder just how weird I am, how ridiculously large and entirely inaccessible the goal is. But, it’s mine. And when I feel like that, sometimes it might just be best to take a nap.