standing sideways

Having my back be a bit “out” (tender. painful, but not terribly so) and doing bodyfulness practices has been a helpful part of the process, of course, but in keeping with it’s promise, it’s also insightful.

Let me be clear: my body does not wait until i am quiet enough and then slip a thought into my head that reveals my next step, or the underlying belief, or anything that direct and immediate and predictable. I mean, sometimes it does, but 80% of the time, I’m just noticing and relaxing and reminding myself to do the first two. It is rare to get a direct and immediate insight, although it has happened. I also believe that sometimes when a thought or memory comes in, it’s passing through on its way out and I go back to the breath to help facilitate it out. Mostly it’s just being open to noticing.

What the bodyfulness practice has shown me this week is how often I stand to the side of what I am doing and bend or twist a little to do it. Brushing my teeth, sitting at a table without putting my knees under it…

This is really a surprise for me because I consider myself direct. So direct. Usually the most direct person in the room. If i have a defining feature, it may be my immediate engagement with the elephant in the room. I go at things head-on. Most of the time. Most of the ways.

Isn’t it interesting when life says, “oh, yeah? is that what you think?”

Being bodyful, paying attention to the feeling state of my body throughout the day, is what revealed this unconscious habit to me. Through repetition and my noticing. No secret codes, no luminescent Pentecost. Simply paying attention.

I am amazed at how many things I do not notice, things of the ‘right under my nose’ variety. Noticing is such a gift. Noticing brings choice into the matter. Noticing begins me on the path to awakening in what used to be unconscious moments. And I don’t know how long it will take me to intentionally position my body for appropriate relating to what is before me, but I am delighted to be moving in that direction.

I also think there are subtler things to unpack there. How i may be side-stepping aspects of my life because I think it is safer, or I’m uncomfortable or just habituated to it. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m trying not to get to caught in the mental meanderings of what it could be and what problems within me that indicates. As often as possible, I bring it back into the body and open myself up to the body unpacking it perfectly efficiently without my mental soundtrack. But, at the same time, I have to be willing to engage it mentally. I’m not afraid of it, but nor am I enamored. That feels like the right place to be.

Whatever it is, it is unfolding me, as we are all unfolding through our engagement in our lives. That which is springing up in and as us, and the dynamic environment where the divine is always asking ‘can you see me now?’ – even when it brings us face-to-face with our faults, perhaps especially then, let’s trust She is Here to be unfolded, herself…