finally, i get it (at least this next layer of it)

i am whole

I get that now. I feel it in my body. (god knows not in my mind)

it’s just that: wholeness isn’t exclusively good-feeling

Wholeness means good parts and bad parts.

There are parts of me I don’t feel great about. from simple to complex. i struggle with time. oh, wait, that’s a rehearsed way to try to make being late all the time charming. i also do annoying things like try to make it sound better. I certainly wish i was a 24/7 compassion machine. I’ve got some and I exercise it regularly, but it has an off switch and sometimes I can not budge the damned dial.

and then i remember

i am a whole person. i’ve got all the traits.

I am also evolving. Just like every other living thing on this planet, I am, by virtue of being here, evolving.

All in all, I try to spend my time encouraging the best in myself so that’s who shows up more often in relationship. And it’s going pretty well. But, that’s not all it’s going. It’s going part well and part bringing up scary stuff and part wanting to hide and part wanting to express more, part Kali and part timid kitten under the couch. There are worlds inside of us. It’s part of being whole.

For a long, long time, my self development was about trying to make me The Best Version Of Me I Could Make Myself, through attention to values and what felt like a very determined maintenance crew scrubbing all the black from the yin-yang within me. Of course, it never worked.

Accepting wholeness was a big shift that could only come after a paradigm shift. There’s more about becoming who I’m encoded to become, not my mental picture of it.

This journey offers me pictures of myself I’d rather not see; I have to be willing to be with it. Sucks all the pride right out of a gal. And that’s OK. It’s helpful. I tend to pride, but when I’m acknowledging my wholeness, too many aspects of my personality/expression I wish were different/better to be proud.

So, sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m down and often i’m┬ácurious and I’m delighted to typically have something really interesting to read. I am experiencing the whole of life, good and bad and in-between.

Still, I wish I was perfect

Receiving God in everyone and in all of life; being thoughtful and eloquent enough to always be kind, even when expressing my very prominent “candor” aspect. Stop thinking i’m a genius so I can also stop thinking i’m an idiot. I know I am a particle, so why keep acting like a wave?

Probably because it’s fun. Even when it’s not.