body of knowledge

I’m happy to report I’ve had a rough week or 10 days. All kinds of emotional and physical crap coming up. I’m happy to report it because it has given me ample opportunity to explore various bodyfulness practices – to test this practice in circumstances where I have familiar patterns and to go a little deeper. I’m happy to report it because I’ve experienced so many new aspects of how soothing this practice can be, how efficiently it drains drama and honors feeling, how much is within me that just wants to be acknowledged and held.

Funniest anecdote? One morning I was quite hungry, but my body only wanted a small bowl of ezekiel cereal. I don’t really love ezekiel cereal. I wanted berries or something but every time I checked in with my body plain cereal was all i could get a positive emotional sense. I didn’t even take my supplements – I just couldn’t stomach the thought. A while later I was nauseous. Easiest experience of the sort I’ve ever had. The body; she knows.

I’ve also felt disrespected quite a bit. That’s an interesting experience to feel without story. It’s almost like I got through a single permutation of someone treating me as lesser, and I was pretty pleased with the strategy of bodyfulness to help me sort out my emotions by really referencing the feeling and not the thought. Indulging in the thought leads to drama, Inquiring into the feeling leads to relief. “Oooh,” I said to myself, “what an insight!” and as they say ‘pride comes before a fall’ – i was then inundated with fodder.  I even had one friend talk to me about how she is going into her body for guidance now as if it was completely new to me and I should enjoy her new discovery.  I’ll admit, that drudged up all kinds of emotions around feeling acknowledged or seen.

Over these 10 or so days, I think I’ve engaged in bodyfulness practices at least 5 or 6 times per day to specifically address these feelings specifically (in addition to my regular practice, shared practice and mini-practices I regularly do). Each required less than 5 minutes, but each also subtly reduced the feeling of ‘insult’ and cultivated the feeling of ‘inquiry.’ So, 1/2 hour collectively per day. And what it is opening up to me are – what are they called? False something.. shadow something… paper something… aspects of identity I’ve come to know and believe in, but who aren’t me. Aspects of identity that love to take issue with others’ not honoring me – but of course you know what comes next, right? They are parts of myself that refuse to honor the truth of my Self, who need others to tell me I’m ok, and so they are vulnerable and touchy when they don’t get what they want (so desperately need to exist – which they don’t). Shifting identification from the persona I’d like to create/be recognized as to the feeling state of where I am now (hurt feelings and all) reprioritizes my interpretation of events. It offers me an insight into my constructs and a path to my unfoldment. So, yeah. Time well spent.

I often feel that when I am starting to feel I have a grip on something the universe says, “Oh, Yeah?” and shifts the ground beneath my feet. I used to take this as a drag. It seemed like a cruel joke. I now receive it as a worksheet… “You’ve learned the principle? OK, now apply it.”  I want to embrace these opportunities, and instead of feeling defeated by them, recognizing them as opportunities to hone my skills that represent my deepest values. I’m happy to report, these days have offered a lot of exercise of this muscle, and I feel the strength increasing with use.

I’ve often felt that God is playing a constant game of “can you see me now?”

Let’s answer, “YES!”