observed phenomena..

Of course as soon as I talk about Bodyfulness sessions being regularly shared, I have a few moments to myself. It’s interesting. I really enjoy the dedicated time, and so I am not disappointed, but there is a voice inside me saying “did I do something wrong?” Even though I am not upset. Isn’t that strange? Isn’t that just so obviously conditioning? Being so quick to think there is a problem? I have a problem? I *am* a problem?

Thank goodness for the practice, because as I take a deep breath and relax into the feeling state of my body, it is clear: no problem. It is clear: only opportunity. Opportunity to listen, to be, to bask. to be curious, to relax, to let whatever arises arise. Even if it is a question of worth.

When my mind distracts and goes into that question, the practice invites that question to show itself in my body, reveal any physical correlative space. Today it is in my jaw most prominently. OK, jaw. I hear you. I can be with you. I invite you to relax with me, but it is not necessary. I love you as you are and hold the space for your relaxing, provide the breath which maybe you can ride towards relaxing, but especially as I release my resistance to your tension and let you be as you are.

and as i deepen my attention to the feeling state of my entire body, a great openness is available that invites the tensions to dissolve. the feeling state is open, it is a judgment- free zone. it is relaxation itself.

and then another thought. and another physical referencing, and another opportunity to ride the relaxation of the exhalation into curiosity, equanimity, peace and presence.

Talk about going to the gas station. Filling up. Making the vehicle capable of going miles and miles with ease.

I noticed this this morning as well. The thought “I might be screwing this whole thing up.” the checking in with the feeling state of the body: a general feeling of wholeness, some specific areas of holding tension, the releasing of resistance to said tension, in some cases the relaxing of tension, in other cases the equanimity with it just being there. there, within the feeling of wholeness. This feeling of wholeness? i consider it excellent evidence that I am not “screwing this whole thing up.” That thought, while juicy and sticky to my mind, holds no sway in my body. Thank you, body. It is nice to have someone reasonable on the team. Before i started putting my attention on you, my mind may have taken me on a particularly uncomfortable journey with that thought – one that perverted the present moment into an assessment of the future based on some metric I’m not even sure I value. I wasted a lot of time that way, and gave myself significant unnecessary anguish. Excellent habit to break! But it is my body that broke the habit. The mind could not – believe me, I tried.

Another thought: maybe i am ruining my children by not making them jump through the standard hoops. Wouldn’t it serve them better to opt to more rigorous hoops than simply no hoops at all? It is a question. Every part of me would’ve predicted I’d set some deliciously challenging hoops for my kids, making them little superheroes capable of crushing anything. I am surprised by my choices, but I can’t deny the results. I can get insecure and question the future as much as I want, but assessing the present moment, much like checking in with the body, reveals wholeness. Areas for growth? Naturally. but from a position of wholeness into greater states of wholeness.

This is not a popular way of being, which I admit still makes me question it. But as I reference those questions into the feeling state of my body, the experience I receive as reply offers a surity no amount of thinking could replicate. I’ll take it. by simply being with it. and being very, very grateful.