failure doesn’t mean as much

I’ve been talking a lot about the changes i’ve noticed in the way I’m going about my life – that for the first time, I checked in with my body and was far more relaxed than I’ve ever been, that I’ve made fewer small swears, etc. and of course today, after saying it again, I did each thing almost in order.

It made me laugh.

What a win! It made me laugh. It showed me not to think I’m “done” and to know that it’s process. I didn’t take it as a failure as much as the comedy of observed phenomenon immediately reverting to old patterns. All of the things I felt were gentle and funny and reminding me not to get ahead of myself here. Remember, I’m not trying to fix, I’m trying to notice and I noticed all of those things. So it was a win. Even if, at the same time, it was a series of remissions.

This noticing, this willingness, this curiosity over control – this is what I want to cultivate. And every time I think I’m ready to “walk the spiritual red carpet” as Eric Klein might say, life trips me in the funny way. And I’m so grateful!

I want to laugh more, and I want to notice more, to catch myself without judging myself…

I love the paradigm that has stopped me looking to “complete things properly/ideally” and recognizing that life is process and seemingly it will always be process, and that by engaging in life wholebodily, wholeheartedly, I am in the process in a way that fully negates “right” and “wrong” and fully embraces “now” and “we’ll see” and trust and curiosity.

None of this was available to me when the mind held the only keys to my day. And it has been developing as I’ve engaged in this practice, beginning with the tiny step of a single breath per day acknowledging the possibility of wholeness. And as I “curate my time” to make this checking into the feeling state of the body so regular as to be one of my primary activities of the day, the benefits just keep unfolding.

Not to say that every day will hold this kind of discovery. But, it might. And when it doesn’t, I know how to re-engage, how to re-focus. Because once you know, you can’t unknow. And yet, because it’s an ever-unfolding revelation, once you think you “know” (as a state instead of a process)then life will, in my experience, very gently, very comically, very certainly remind you that we’re all just walking each other home…