curating my life

making the focus of my attention the feeling state of my body anchors me in the present moment. This is the most basic level of my life. How am I here? Thoughts steal the show most of the day. Pascal said that all of man’s problems can be reduced to his inability to sit alone in a room. This most basic experience and most basic expression is very telling. the body is speaking to us through a multitude of feelings, sensations and emotions. are we present enough to hear it, curious enough to pay it some attention and fluent enough to translate it?

Translate it is back to the mind. And that’s valuable – for the portion of our days when thoughts are front and center, being able to translate the body’s cues is key. But developing the fluency is done with attention. it’s not something you can skim the surface and really know. knowing comes through experience. experience comes through practice.

my friend recently reminded me of the quote, ‘enlightenment is an accident. certain practices can make you accident-prone.’ i don’t know about enlightenment here with this body practice, but peace of mind, contentment, curiosity about life and willingness to participate in it – that’s what it cultivates. Trust developes when I’m not always looking at what is wrong. that it might be exactly what it needs to be for its highest evolution – that is a real possibility. but not something the mind can know for sure.

evolving is a game of growth and creativity and mind, but it is also physical. we can’t think our way out of these bodies. trust me, i’ve tried. but my friend mentioned a movie where you’ll soon be able to upload consciousness. maybe. that’s not my concern. it’s not my interest. my interest is unfolding in the present moment to release my grievances against life and open my heart to the fullness Life is offering me. And I believe the more time I spend in my body, the more I am successful in that interest.

And this is why i am so excited about this month. Being a voice and space for body and presence.

A few months ago my dear power partner asked what a healthy day would look like. I was truly shocked to uncover I had no idea. I’d spent so much time fantasizing about an intangible dream life and managing my disease, I gave *everything but that* thought. And as I’ve tried to picture it, to pat out the parts of the day being in regular practice because the more I practice being in my body, the more I distribute that attentiveness throughout the day. and when i am paying attention to the feeling state of my body throughout the day, my body directs me to things that nourish me. I also really, really love being in community with women. I feel nourished by that and I feel contributory. those are good feelings. i want to connect with my kids more, and the more present i am to them the better that goes, too. So 3x per day practice is spending my time in my ideal way to spend time – three times per day! I feel incredibly lucky that I have the capacity to do it, both the physical reliability and Tucker managing our financial wherewithal all by his lonesome. I still have guilt around that – feeling value without income, worth without net worth is hard. But my body doesn’t struggle with that connundrum. it just breathes. notices. relates. – and when I am in practice: stops resisting. What a gift.

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