Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I mean, that’s always true, and i think life improves when we live that way, but often it is hard to feel that way. i have spent quite a lot of the last 9 years absolutely unsure about what was next and cultivating equanimity about that uncertainty (because i kept trying to figure it out, and failing. so I needed a new tactic). Most of my reading and education during these years has been in the direction of evolution, physical health, pain reduction, mental health, equanimity, spiritual upliftment, nature, equality, human potential and integration.
I haven’t had a clue how to show up in the world. it just wasn’t available to me yet. my direction has been clear but i have felt largely impotent about expressing and/or knowing what to do next. So i quit focusing on next and doubled down on being fully present in the current moment. That’s a practice and actually a lot of fun and i’ve been squarely in that camp for years and am slowly getting better at it. but this week, a whole bunch of things came together and i saw things in a whole new way. and as billy crystal says in WHMS (and I paraphrase) – when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life in a certain way, you want the rest of your life to get started as quickly as possible. That’s how I feel.
Its been a long time coming.
Sharing my stillness and body practices is a huge dream for two reasons. 1) I need to be doing it all the time, and it keeps me doing it, so it’s entirely selfish and about accountability; 2) these ideas and practices are so beautiful and freeing to me. my general beingness feels nurtured even during the scary bits – and there are scary bits. because i am not perfect and i’m integrating decades of misinterpretation of life… I watched more Tara Brach last night and she spoke of having a particularly stressful period and then having to lead a retreat and first having to go through the (and i paraphrase) “really, Tara, after all these years, you still get impatient, you’re still haven’t overcome your humanness.” We don’t need to overcome our humanness. We can’t wait until we’re perfect to interact. We’re in relationship, whether we’re participating or not, so do your best to spend your time doing what you love and what wants to flow through you.
I’ve spent a lot of years with asking my instrument be tuned to more purely play Mother’s love through me. I hoped it would purify me and make me this ultra-kind and always gentle version of myself. And maybe it will, but it hasn’t yet, that’s for sure. But in all my fault and frailty, I also have strength and wisdom and I need to accept the whole yin/yang truth about myself. But it is time for me to start intentionally broadcasting all these wonderful ideas and ways of living from the many inspirational individuals and traditions I’ve been blessed enough to be soaking in these many years…