Life delivers us opportunities. endlessly. we can kindof curate some of the lessons, but i think that’s just a story i tell myself. But, I do trust the universe. i can answer the ‘is the universe friendly?’ question with a resounding “yes” but sometimes little bits of me didn’t get the memo. and they come up to catch some air. and if i can be aware enough, i can welcome them into the fresh air and you know, hopefully, integrate them. But there are hundreds of things i thought i’d integrated that keep coming up for air. and maybe my reaction time is getting better, but maybe not. but i am committed. i will look and hold space even for the parts of me for which i am ashamed. They are there, too. If I’m open to the full spectrum of my humanness I need to be open to them. the parts of me I want to be different (notice i did not say i want to change – a subtle but important distinction, and one i’m not proud of. it colors me a slacker, which is painfully true). Anyway, it’s uncomfortable. but what makes it bearable is my intent. Having an intent of serving Divine Mother, and cocreatively evolving towards greater love, freedom and relationship, as all of nature is evolving, always has, always will. I will make mistakes. some will be stupid. some will be spectacular. wins and losses in turn… but that can only be based in duality. without duality, they aren’t wins or losses. life just is. all decisions life-positive results, even when that life-positivity is in the decline and renewal stage. naming it was just so silly.
that tree of good and evil… i’m so curious what life would look like had that fruit never been eaten. but even more than some mythical protohuman making that choice, we’re still making it and we don’t just eat the apple, we eat apples 10x per day. Even with the deep and true intent to receive all of life as the expression of god in her fullness, i act like johnny appleseed, making sure everyone has apple -everything so judgement of good and evil is part of every meal, every drink, every inhalation/exhalation. Here’s my stick. Doesn’t it make sense? good ideas, bad habits… i’ve got a line on all of them and they’re all on my scale. This is a habit, and a habit begins to unravel as awareness offers knowledge of choice in the present moment.
‘there’s nothing wrong here’ was a kind of mantra for me a couple of years back. i trained myself to sit back 5-10 times per day and be in a few moments of acknowledging that it just may be possible that what is happening is the most glorious unfolding of life itself experiencing love in every facet. it’s a nice habit. it never let me get to far down the rabbit hole of things wrong with me, or the house, or the country. a moment of acknowledgement of trust in the universe over my mental dialogue. then, with the body practices, i gave up the sortof negatively phrased words and moved into a body experience of being for those interludes. and now i play games of cueing to get it in as often in the day as i can. because it feels so good. and being in a tense physical/mental space is exhausting. and the healing begins with the decision to remember that it just might be possible that we are life expressing itself with infinitely more variations and interconnections we could possibly understand, and it’s all ok. glorious, in fact. one breath, one smile, one release at a time.