not you again…

Fear gripped me today. It reminded me of everything I don’t have, everything I haven’t done. The things I’m screwing up. The likely demise of everything I hold dear, and at the very least, all of the many things I’ve done wrong and that show I’m a pretty bad person. The ominous energy of a life on the brink of collapse.

It may have been right. It may still be. Maybe some of it, maybe all of it. Only time will tell.

Luckily, I’ve been at this game long enough to recognize that believing my thoughts is the beginning of the end. So, while the shame and fear laid out more shame and fear, I started to breathe. Not the normal breath of my 19,000 regular breaths per day, but the deep, intentional breath of someone who is going to feel into her body, even when it feels terrible. Even when that feeling is the very last feeling I want to feel. Even when I might have to accept that feeling as the truth.

It wasn’t.

My life is not perfect. I have major holes in my capabilities. While I have a harmonious family life, we have no guarantees we’re doing right by our kids. And usually, when I get on a high horse about how glad I am for the choices we make, it doesn’t take me long to fall of said horse and have an episode like what came today.

But, the breath brought me home. To stability and groundedness because whatever truth I need to face, I can face and indeed embrace. If i’m not willing to embrace it, it will own me – and i’m not willing to be owned.

I think I wrote about the QHHT past life regression session I did in December. It was good. It was all about choices. Experience. Good experience and bad experience, it’s ok. Life experiencing life in its multitudinous varieties. No value judgments. Choices.

Last night I was telling a friend about some really delicious pipe dreams that have plopped into my consciousness. Really fun fantasies about living and working in a new way. It was met with a whole lot of eye rolling and I got pretty cocky about my happy attitude, how I don’t need my pipedreams to come true (perhaps why I call them pipedreams instead of plans) and how open i am. I am pretty sure that cockiness is what led to today’s episode. I keep riding the rollercoaster instead of gliding gently along. Maybe that’s not why I let the, well, opposite of a pipedream in, but maybe it is. In any case, it was the opposite of the pipedream.

Pipedreams I use as an emotional set-point. A “wouldn’t it be fun” story that can keep me entertained and imaginative. Negative pipedreams I try to use as learning tools. How long does the fear keep me? What pompous atrocity have i accused someone (or myself) of that I now have the opportunity to better understand and better yet forgive. How can I breathe my way through it, feeling what my body feels about it and, through inquiry, letting it move through me.

So, that was today. Truth be told, it was a relatively small part of today, but it came and went probably half a dozen times. I did my best. I never succumbed to a full-on anxiety about my imaginings (because isn’t everything but this exact present moment an imagining), but even if I did, I think the same lifeline applies. Life is going to deal me what it is going to deal me. I can be present to it, even when it is uncomfortable, and that is … well, I think that might be freedom.

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