i am free

I listened to a teacher today whose work is excellent. I like everything she says. I simply can’t stand her voice and the cadence of her speech. It’s enough that I will keep to reading her work from now on, lol, and it is not the first time i have felt that way about a speaker. Part of me is frustrated with myself for being judgmental. But the truth is, I get to be me and I don’t have to love every aspect of every person.

I’ve been going through a similar situation with my sister. She’s a wonderful human being in many, many ways, but at this time in my life she’s a source of stress and judgment and aversion. We’ve had a couple of falling outs and this last time, around my surgery and recovery, I enforced a “leave me alone” policy. I’m catching a lot of flack that I should get over that and engage with her, but I just don’t want to. I’ve been in this situation with her several times in the last couple of years and I keep listening to people and trying to resolve things so that she feels better and it has blown up in our faces. I think I deserve to spend time with the people I want to spend time with.

We have wronged each other relatively severely. That happens a lot in families. I can forgive her, and I can forgive myself. I think that’s a pretty big step. I just feel that forgiveness does not necessarily mean welcoming a person back into your life.I can welcome her to live her own life with my full encouragement – that should be enough, shouldn’t it? I don’t have to judge it if it doesn’t impact me.

I can hold us both in the light, recognizing we are divine beings and have every right to live our lives the way we want to. I can see the tragedy of it, and the potential gifts of it. But put having to deal with her in my face? ¬†all of that goes away. The utter bullshit of miscommunication is all that is present then and I don’t want to re-engage. It makes me sick and i am not particularly nice to her. She has asked me to treat her more kindly. I think I should wait until I actually feel that towards her. I think it is a mistake to rush it.

We feel really differently on really essential items. She, like my mother, will accept anything you say if you say it nicely. I have no such standard. I actually listen to the content of what people say, and when it is wildly offensive, it is not unusual for me to decisively drop some f-bombs. It’s a style of communication that many people don’t like, and you can imagine how many fucks I give. I’m done apologizing for standing up for myself, telling people what is not OK, or managing my life by my own values.

I’m clearly not ready to see her no matter who would feel better if I did. I need to honor me. When I do that, I hold no resentment. When I try to meet anyone else’s expectations about how I should behave, I feel awful. I don’t have to do that to myself. I am free. They are free. Why would I bind myself? I don’t have to, and I won’t. Not today. Not until it feels right in my own heart.

 

 

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