remembering

I got so frustrated with myself today. When I scheduled my surgery, I decided to take 3 months with no obligations (truly a blessing, thank you to my husband, children and family) so that I could develop the habits of, for example, relaxed shoulders, a dropped sacrum and other physical cues that belied the unnecessary stress in my body. With three months of concerted effort I was pretty sure I could lock in these better habits and move forward in a new, relaxed framework with which to address the various comings and goings of life.

Funny, right!? I mean, optimistic. For a 50 year old woman to turn around a lifetime of habit in 3 months… well, i think it is possible, but my intention was so far-reaching and so complete.

So today, as I noticed my tipped sacrum and my scrunched shoulders I was SO pissed! How did I not change this? Self-frustration’s engine revved, ready to take off.

Luckily, self-compassion was in the sidecar. Hey, at least I’m noticing more. And in this moment, it’s not about having the perfect habit. It is about being in the moment, noticing the fullness of the moment, and seeing what I can do to contribute to the moment in a way that contributes more love, freedom and/or relationship.

My moments may never be without challenge, either of my own creation or the normal stuff we bump up against in life. More than having a relaxed physical composure, I want to have a compassionate mental composure. A way of living that doesn’t condemn so much as notice, doesn’t complain as much as pose the question of how to restore balance, doesn’t fret so much as develop the muscles of equanimity.

It’s important for me to remember what I am constantly telling my children: we are growing, evolving beings. I keep trying to “be complete” or “right” forgetting that life is never a picture frozen in time, it is always fluid and moving and changing – and the real question is not if I were right or wrong or somewhere in between but how, in this present moment, I am meeting myself and life itself with openness. And if I notice something that my past has taught me I could do better, to employ that knowledge without condemnation for needing to. And guess what? That knowledge may be wrong! or mis-applied. And that’s ok, too.

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