reflections

I started 2018 similarly to the way i’ve started every other year of my life – wanting to make improvements to me and the way i live. that dynamic had been somewhat helpful in that micro-movements towards “better me” were helpful. Of course the real movements came through things like illness and sorrow, but those annual goals moved the needle too, if only slightly.

I am very excited to note that 2019 has very little of that dynamic. I am tired of fixing (myself or anything else), so i have no list of things i want to improve, no ideal schedule i’ll try to meet, not even a list of things i’d like to do. It’s actually very exciting. This year’s “goal” is simply about receiving life as the gift that it is, without my wanting to doll it up or shift it ever-so-slightly (or enormously) towards what I think would be an improvement. Curiosity seems to be the keyword associated with this stance. If i can’t see the gift in the present moment directly, i have to get curious about what it might be. and that answer may come slowly, but so far it always comes.

So far, she says. We’re 3 days into the new year. But this dynamic has been evolving. I remember one of the first noticeable changes… I’ve wanted all year for Claire Zammit to announce the next step of her feminine power course which i found enormously valuable. Then she did and it was $10k. Any other version of myself would have been both enormously disappointed and simply mad to find a way to make it work. This year I was just like, “huh. that’s not for me.” and I was fine with it. I’ve struggled with so many “how do I move heaven and earth so that I can do this thing that might fix me, finally?!” it was pure heaven to have that response.

A huge part of that is not feeling I need so much fixing anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I have the full yin and yang of habits and traits. It was almost a decade ago that I realized I’d been trying to just make my personal yin/yang symbol all white. No dot in the middle, and certainly no yin half. Even after that┬áprofound recognition, the futility of that effort has only taken years to sink in. And now that it’s gained ground, I can see people trying to bleach their yin dot and yin drop with mad fury, but i can chuckle and know it’s a fool’s errand.

We are all it. Each one of us. Exactly as we ARE but not exactly as we tend to be currently thinking. This pre-frontal cortex has had all kind of benefit, but someone left the barn door open and it seems to have taken over the farm. Reining that thought train in is where the real magic happens – much more easily than trying to change the basic nature of things.

It is exhilarating to begin a new year without some desperate wish to fix anything (even my health), but curiosity about new ways to meet it. Not trying to find answers but interested in what is going on around me and what energy I find compelling in my body, not just the whorish “I need that, too” of my mind wanting to try every freaking solution on the internet/anyone talks about. I am experiencing noticibly less subtle panic about “doing the right thing” – man, all of the stress i’ve felt about doing the “right” thing over my lifetime – when most of the time there truly is no “right” thing. Life is about exploration of life, connection, wonder not the competition I saw it as where you really need to pick the most right answers or clearly you’ll die (oh, yeah, we’ll all die anyway). All that stress. All that misplaced attention. all that futility.

so it is exciting coming into a new year with a definitive sense that this is new for me, this approach, and I like it very much and I’ve practiced enough in the prior year that I really can bring a new way of being into 2019, one wherein I am not trying to fix anything, change anything, be anything different than I am. This year I am focused on embodiment, presence and wonder – all things that come pre-installed in our basic human design!

Last year, having started Barbara Marx Hubbard’s Awakening the New Species, my primary goal was evolving – i figured it is the best goal ever because it happens so naturally to us all. Same thing with presence and embodiment. I remember being present and embodied as a kid, and I remember feeling dissatisfied with the world i was in so i began living mostly in my head.

It’s great to be back. It is pure freaking joy to be coming out of that individual head space I’ve lived in where literally everything needed some kind of tweaking to be acceptable to me or meet my needs, and landing gently back on the world itself where everything is perfect, and I get to settle in to that truth.

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