shotgun

Going slowly- going really slowly – is not easy. nor desireable for most people. it seems to be necessary for me, at least right now. not moving much really helps, but what kind of life is that?

Normally, I’ve actually got it pretty good because I am SO interested in evolution and mystical exploration and there are just so many good teachers and inspirations out there. having time to really soak in this subject matter is really fantastic. I feel guilty that I am not a more involved mother, and that i don’t bring any income into the house but am definitely responsible for quite a bit of expenditure… it is not an ideal situation, in that I can’t look at it and say “well, obviously this is what you should be doing because it’s ticking all the boxes” because i am severely not ticking some pretty important boxes (income. school.)

Usually, I am super-good with the way we’re living our lives although that Aquarian dynamic in a Piscean context is awkward. Today, I’m feeling maybe all of it was the worst kind of mistake, and even with that I have to just surrender and know what will be will be. Mistakes or Masterpieces, it doesn’t matter one bit. Who is judging and by what values? My co-pilot on today’s journey is exasperation. it called shotgun and it is pointing out the futility in everything it sees. Not my favorite MO for the day.

I want to evolve as a species towards love, freedom and relationship. i really don’t know how to do that, but I’m feeling its through filling my time as much as possible with the influences toward that intent, and as much time as i can relaxing into my body, even if it hurts. maybe especially when it hurts. all that tension really needs to be released. But it also feels futile. there’s always more to release and it doesn’t seem to be sticking. i don’t seem to be getting it. I’m tired of hurting. I wish i had a normal life with a job and coworkers and stuff, and then that sounds awful too and i think the illness came to let me off the hook from that… I’m tired of guessing why i got sick and/or why i’m still sick.

i have this hypnosis session on Sunday. i am really hoping it helps set me onto a sense of greater stability or purpose. gain some clarity. move with my full resources in the direction of my dreams.

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