practice, practice, practice

It is only by grounding our awareness in the living sensation of our bodies
that the ‘I Am’, our real presence, can awaken.
~ G. I. Gurdjieff

I imagine I read this in my 20’s when I was reading Ouspensky. How did I miss it so entirely? Even now, 10 years into this desire to slow down but still having proclivities to “intellectually engage” (ie: think about it without actually doing it. thinking about awareness is not being in awareness, so it doesn’t count any way you slice it. experience is experience is experience.

and really, even just a single breath shifts everything, if only for a second.

Keeping my day full of reminders to engage with that breath, that present moment, I still need some modicum of discipline to do it. Feeling ill or pain is really the simplest way to address it – slipping under it instead of trying to seal it up and away. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in any given moment, but I know I want to show up for it, and i know my body is going to lead me through these feeling states. and as i release into deeper and deeper feeling states, life opens up in ever more tender ways. Being willing to feel is the prerequisite. being willing to sit with a feeling. witness it. not try to change it. just for this breath.

and i’m learning a lot through these moments – learning how to relax, or more notably how much unnecessary tension I hold in my body. So weird, and absolutely any time I cue myself to relax, I’ve got dozens of possible cascading reactions. I’d really like to be fully relaxed. and in a healthy body. (perhaps that is my way to health. kindof for sure, now)

getting my awareness into my body also connects me with how connected I am with the world. with nature. as a human. not just my ideas of who “we are” and who “I am” but the essential life-ness that is expressing through and as us as individuals and as a whole. mezmerizing, but also kinda hard to look up from the wheel sometimes.

In that feeling breath, I’m not trying to achieve any picture, solve any puzzle or validate my contribution. I may be “right” I may be “wrong” I may be totally confused, but in that breath, i’m just here. and breathing – but let’s be honest, life is breathing me. i can’t stop my breath but i sure can pay attention to it and while I can lose sight of it or let it play in the background, it does its best work with attention. and relaxation. and that leads to trust which builds ease which fosters curiosity which tickles creativity… it’s the virtuous circle we’d all love to cultivate and i really believe our breath reliably leads us there. for free. 24/7. fueling intuition and receptivity. no special lingo needed. simply being present in the body.

I’m beginning an experiment with nature, to explore the edges of my showing up, how I can participate in my own evolution and the evolution of our species and planet. I’ve got to work out the parameters of the experiment, based on Perelandra’s nature work. In order to advance my¬†understanding, I’ve got to quit waiting for it to fall into my lap. I’ve got to explore, and focus. My body is my way of experiencing nature. As I learn the language of my body, my authentic energy levels, my present moment embodiment, I can interpret my place in the larger picture with more detail and openness. I can’t predict where it will lead because the whole idea is to move beyond the known. I’d like to document it here, though…

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