well, that was helpful

Today I enjoyed the great privilege of participating in Julia Schneider’s “Alive with Possibility Women’s Circle.” Julia has covered some great stuff in these circles, and today was no exception. Speaking about masculine and feminine energies, I realized today a dynamic I had been utterly blind to, and also the path to sorting it. Wow. That’s something.

Talking about masculine energy being productivity-oriented and feminine energy being stillness/rest/rejuvenation oriented, years ago I realized that most of my adulthood my mental energies were extremely fixated on productivity, accomplishment and achievement. Feminine energies, I begrudged. I should *have* to take care of my body, it should just work, dammit! I barely knew how to rest (it was just getting ready to do the next thing), rest was boring, why would I want to do that?

Now, if you’ve known me, you know I’ve also had a profound “type B” streak in me as well (I am a Gemini. I am not this or that, I am this and that. And so are you. It is just really noticeable in me), but this inner dialogue was extremely masculine-driven even when I was acting all chill.

As I’ve embraced slowness and stillness and disengaged from establishing value through accomplishment (or at least activity), I’ve held a bit of a grudge against my masculine energies. I resent them for dominating my paradigm. Obviously, this is a huge cultural piece – masculine energy has been dominating the paradigm and obviously the tides are turning – but personally, I’ve held anger over being in a paradigm that just wouldn’t quit driving me endlessly to be something better than who I was.

As I’ve worked with “feminine power” it really has been empowering, and a paradigm shift.  It makes a tremendous difference in my experience, but i still have perceived myself in a bit of a struggle between masculine and feminine aspects of myself.

Last Thanksgiving, having quite a bit to do and somewhat fragile health, I began a practice which I now recognize as creating a “feminine” container and allowing the “masculine” energies to work within it. (this was a commitment to resting for 15 minutes per hour and being active for 45 minutes at a time. this interplay was remarkably successful for me (I mean, resting 15 minutes per hour seemed pretty extreme and unsustainable – but it worked! really well!) During that Thanksgiving, everything went off well – all the food got cooked, the house prepared, etc. with no stress (literally! several times the 15 minutes would entail planning for the next few activity sessions, but I did not raise my voice at a kid or feel panic that something wasn’t happening for a single instance which is remarkable for me). I now am remembering that I still smoked, and that “having a cigarette break” every hour was the context that made that work (or even seem possible) – but I have done this 15/45 several times since then, sans cigs, and it just keeps getting more interesting.

But, my point today is that I’ve got to give up the grudge about having been dominated and set the context so that part of me can be active within a broader context wherein it cannot move out of balance. It’s my responsibility to set that context. Yes, when I act mindlessly, my dominant, progress-oriented side jumps in the driver’s seat BECAUSE NO ONE IS DRIVING. Mindlessly. Easy for a dictator to take up shop.

Put the soul in the driver’s seat, that dictator can turn into a task-monkey. Who can be mad at a task-monkey? I mean, it’s a monkey!

And more importantly, the soul is in charge. The soul likes to do things but doesn’t establish its worth by what it has done. The soul likes to connect and can notice times and people and cues that allow for connection, but once noticed can move into action to make connection as a subset of this broader noticing and intent. The soul is not worried, whereas the brain can hardly stop.

For a time in my life, I thought if i did everything I thought I should and changed things and impacted the world in a certain way, I would get to my soul and we would feel accomplished and good. During this last decade I’ve put the kabash on that theory and just spent a few breaths per day in the company of my soul. It doesn’t need accomplishment, or control, or anything else. It simply would like to play. and that is the shift from Lisa to Lila.

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