sitting in pain

hey! it happened! i’m officially flared up. My left hand is really big and my arms are under 50% functionality, with lots of motions causing searing pain. It’s making me cancel obligations, well, everything. Moving hurts, stillness only can last so long, and seriously, one wrong move and i want to cry. sometimes i do. just for a minute.

and yet, my job is to relax into it. so weird.

I’m not sure if relaxing into it changes the pain, but it definitely changes my relationship to the pain. THAT is interesting.

Yet, the nitty gritty of the pain game is mental. Why am i flaring up? what have i done wrong? what combination made it this way? i must not be as spiritually progressed as i thought. Boy, I sorta suck at stable health. probably i brought this on myself by getting my ‘surgery haircut’ so ‘in case my arms didn’t work, i wouldn’t have to ask someone to brush my hair.’ yeah, i will admit the haircut is coming in handy, but how much did it contribute to fulfilling the prophecy?

Yep, my mind could chew on that crap all day. thankfully, i’ve got a few practices that take me out of the mental game for at least a few breaths, and once you do that, it’s never as interesting as it was. Indeed, when i start thinking the stories are *really* interesting, that’s now a signal that i need to count to 20, or sit in meditation, or go for a walk – just get out of the thought stream for a spell.

Once out of the thought stream i try to shift to relaxing. Perhaps it’s because by body tenses up to protect painful joints, sometimes moving into relaxation is painful, but usually only for a second. sometimes it’s too much and i need to tense again. then I’ll go to another area – because i always have several areas with weird tension.

Even in the pain, while it does get old, i can still hold the idea that my body is on my side. I trust that it’s leading me somewhere and teaching me things. When i get a deep flare up like this, now my job goes from <anything else> to listening to my body and supporting its progress through the flare up. At my wisest, I immediately begin fasting (green juice (with fish oil), water, fermented beverage, bone broth, tea – – very nutrient dense fasting) but sometimes it takes me a couple of days (which I *always* regret). Because I drink so much and so often throughout the day, it’s not hard to fast at all.

Stillness is definitely a big strategy for dealing with pain, too, but oddly enough sometimes i need to get up. This is unusual for me, because if my body is not in pain, I could lay in bed for 17+ hours without getting up once. But horizontal just does not work sometimes when i’m flared up, so i’m┬áhonoring that (and using it as an opportunity to blog through pain even though my typing is very slow on the left, lol.)

I’ve been using all kinds of CBD, arthritis creams, specialized tinctures. sometimes they help. today, none is cutting it even a drop. ditto on compression gloves and even my last-resort castor oil heat wraps – they took the high notes out of the pain, but the areas I did are still big and swollen. i don’t mean to underestimate the castor oil pack, because those things do take the high notes out which is a very big deal.

Illness changed my life, and in so many ways dramatically for the better. I keep wanting to graduate. I keep wanting wellness to tell me I’ve finally figured it all out and now i will be in balance. Health would validate my general happiness as being in sync with Nature. meh. i am pretty happy. and i really care about nature and do a relatively solid job of regularly communing with Nature. so this health thing must have a different purpose for me. or something. but i really have no choice but to assume it’s leading me somewhere, and if ‘up until now’ is any indication, my body has been leading me into deeper integrity (what i eat, companies & concepts I support, how i spend my time) and more attentive listening – so i’ll go on whatever journey it takes me on. even when it is painful.

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