day four

These people have hip replacement surgery down to an art. Four days ago I got up early, met some lovely people who prepped me and woke up feeling good. The change in the joint is complete and immediate, and while surgery and surgical things have their discomfort, life was good. I was willing/am willing to experience whatever the next step is towards wellness, and i know interim steps can be extremly diorienting, but all in the name of wellness and so if anything, I am willing.

Luckily, I have not had to endure much. I had lots of cautionary tales to stay ahead of the pain meds and so I did. because: 4 days. and in those four days the worst of my recovery has been the headache/nausea/disorientation of the pain pills. so, yeah. not too bad but nothing i want to extend.

I had a wonderful PT come to the house today. no nonsense. nice. constructive. instructive. I mean, it made me cry by the end, but in a good way.

in a good way because i just watched this singing guy thing about ‘frustration is a step in learning to do something.’ framed frustration in a positive light, so i’m grateful to have heard that. and so recently. i should post it but i think it’s an ‘in program’ thing. anyway

what I did realize with this great PT visit is that it is time for me to apply my own focus and consciousness to the quality of my recovery. not just endure it gracefully. have a positive attitude. Hope for the best. ‘do my best’

i’ve gotta get all tai-chi on it’s ass. I’ve been apprehensive about trying to apply what i’ve learned about standing over the last year. i’m afraid i’ll push something the wrong way. i’m┬átrying to feel around and everything feels ‘maybe’ and i think “well, that’s a lot of fear”

interesting that that fear has lived in that quadrant of my body for so long, so insecure, trying so hard, compensating in myriad ways, but simply not having a solid, powerful foundation.

Isn’t it time to grow one?

and i’m very excited about the prospect of growing one – a solid foundation. I have them in other quadrants of my life, but fully embodying this vessel and interacting with the world from a place of mutual fullness? Yes, this recovery obviously has the potential to be the adventure of a lifetime.

I am being remarkably selfish. In large and small ways. because: 4 days. This bit has attributes that might stick around a bit longer, though.

Because the joint damage isn’t bilateral, chances are there was an event that began the decline. my money is on a skiing accident in 1998 – a day trip i didn’t want to go on, got talked into. It’s nice because I see the flaw – the doing what every cell of my body was saying ‘no’ to. why on earth would i do that? to make someone else happy (didn’t work. wasn’t worth it. never is). I release inauthentic action for some noble goal. it’s all expressing what and who I am from here on out.

There will be casualties. there always are (ask my old left hip!) but life is full of cycles of birth and rebirth and within it death and more death. Dying to the old. Being born into the now. again. and again. and again.

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