from the inside

I’m getting up in 6 hours to have the surgery so I’ll probably be offline for a while, although I really want to write about pain while i am in it. It’s easy to reflect on pain and forget things (childbirth, anyone?) but in order for me to feel authentic in my conversations about pain I would like to be very present to the realities of it. All of my strategies will be tested, as they should be, and perhaps I will come up with more and perhaps some will prove themselves worthless. Sometimes no strategies work and all we can hope for us endurance. In any case, I’d like to document and share it.

Things got a little testy at dinner tonight – I imagine that while I am not overtly or intellectually scared, there’s an anticipation at work just below the obvious. Probably Tucker and the kids have their own versions of it. ┬áThankfully, teammates’ parents and my mom and sister will be keeping them with their regular activies regardless of how I am feeling, and I am profoundly grateful.

I want to write about the grand cosmic love of which we are all expressions, but honestly I’m tired. And maybe today is not the day. I know tomorrow is, though. Because the surrender to this grand cosmic love is to accept whatever outcomes unfold because we are life itself unfolding. I’m square with whatever happens. I expect it will be uneventful – great surgeon, great process, plenty of success stories, but if it isn’t I’m at peace with that, too. My dear friend went in for surgery 11 years ago and has been in a wheelchair ever since. Her grace and value are so apparent to me that the condition of her body is, while being very difficult for her I am sure, just part of the grand mystery.

I’m surrendered to the mystery. If something goes wrong I might write 1,000 posts about my frustration with it, but I am not in control. and I don’t need to be. I’m just another facet of life expressing itself. Lucky me.


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