not the way I’d like

I am an imperfect human. I’ve got some lovely qualities and some real doozies, just like everybody else. I’d often aspired to become a more perfected being, accentuating my positive traits and diminishing my flaws. Many years ago I recognized the inherent yin/yang within each of us – and the necessity of the wholeness of our being. I quit trying to erase the dark side and only be light. But, boy is it uncomfortable when the dark side is rising.

Still, experience teaches me that I really have no idea what is positive and what is negative. I often mis-perceive them. Retrospect often offers a completely different take than the moment. I came to desire authenticity in the moment, and evolving towards ever deeper experience and expression of love, freedom and relationship. That I wouldn’t judge myself. That as something wells up within me, I experience it fully and express it as necessary. We have to tell our stories, I’m learning.

Recently, a straw was added to my metaphorical camel’s load and I broke. I broke something that in truth has been pretty hobbled together anyway, but breaking things is messy and uncomfortable. Maybe I could’ve broken more gracefully, certainly I could’ve broken more kindly. But, I broke it. And the person couldn’t believe I could over-react to a straw like that.

And I feel like a jerk, but every atom of my body is like, “yeah, that had to break.”

and i’m not much for pretending.

Plenty of people have told me to eff-off in my life, and I’ve expressed plenty of times, too. I personally feel that someone telling me to eff-off is infinitely preferable to passive non-engagement and amorphous emotional puzzles. But, that’s just me. Plenty of people *really prefer* the silent version. They feel the vocal version is mean or crude or simply unacceptable.

They’ve got a point, don’t get me wrong. Just like people who prefer country music and pistachio ice cream. It’s just not for me. With all three – it’s actually not possible for me. I’ve tried. ¬†And I don’t want to judge people who love those things, I simply don’t have it in me. Especially if I care.

I’ve had a relationship in my life that has caused literally nothing but pain for both of us. My perception has received a veritable truckload of small ‘eff off’s – and honest to goodness I’m pretty sure that person didn’t intend a single one. I, on the other hand have said a few, really difficultly timed ones.

Certain foods have made me ill and I’ve had to completely eliminate them from my diet. Sometimes, after a long enough spell, I can re-introduce the food with different results. Luckily, none of the food has gotten offended and refused to come back. That may happen with a person (finding the elimination pretty offensive) but the need for elimination is clear. I just have to take my chances.

This is a long and meandering post about feeling guilty about cutting out a relationship that has caused me and my family a lot of trouble and pain, even though the person is a lovely enough person if I’m completely unattached to their methods and outcomes. But even a miniscule attachment causes me such frustration that it’s not worth continuing to try. Much like I didn’t continue to try to eat corn once I figured out I had a sensitivity. Obviously, I’m conflicted, but literally my health has already started to improve. It’s weird, this life we live. It’s hard not to be able to be a model of kind and effective behaviour, indeed to be a full-on jerk. But sometimes it’s just what the doctor ordered.

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