healthy attachment

I’ve been remiss. haven’t been writing so much (because I have been working on a da Vinci journal ala Barbara Sher whom I am very excited about, but that is another story).

My body goes in cycles. I mean, everybody’s body goes in cycles, but i have distinct cycles of rest and work, procrastination and bulk accomplishment. My body has periods when it *can* eat processed foods, and times when it is having none of it. Things I wish were permanent, and other things i just wish would go away entirely.  Then there are things like  journaling, meditating, juicing…. these are things I can do daily for years and then fall off the bus with. And then I’ll get another inspiration and move into the practice again. I am this mosaic of personal practices. and today a tile fell off.

About 3 years ago, during our trip, i found Tandy Guitierez who had what was first ‘pimp your mat’ then ‘mat and kitchen’ now ‘unicorn wellness.’ I love Tandy. What she provides is outstanding. She is a great pilates trainer, with exceptionally good cuing and balanced 30 minute workouts that she keeps fun to do and are real and powerful. I found her through the online autoimmune community and she was just the best solution possible, especially traveling. Being able to go to her website and “just press play” kept my range of motion, strength and flexibility better than I’d been able to do – and in a more balanced way than I’d been able to do – for some time. But, last August I had a flair up that I haven’t been able to get back on the mat. Not in the same way. I have PT, but my strength is shit and I don’t really know how to use my arms yet. I know that sounds ridiculous, but last year I had to basically re-learn how to stand and walk because I jacked my body up so weirdly throughout my life. i have these strange tensions and compensations… It’s weird. and, i feel i’m making progress, but i really don’t have it down.

So, a full year after I quit using Tandy’s awesome workouts, I just pressed the ‘cancel my membership’ button. and i feel awful about it. i love tandy. i love her so much, i’ve paid for a year of service i almost never used and I don’t even feel bad about it. i’m delighted to support her, and her service is a steal. but i can’t keep doing it.

to everything there is a season

and it’s really important to embrace the season as it arrives and to wave farewell as it retreats. this hanging on is bullshit. and expensive. and full of crap like guilt which is truly ridiculous and has no place in a relationship like this.

Being willing and able to give things up and not have it mean something, just gentle knowledge that it’s time.

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