Several years of illness really harshed my mellow. But it also restored a much deeper and truer mellow from which I had unwittingly led myself away. I believe our bodies are on our side. And mine certainly made me stand up and do an about-face. a whole bunch of reevaluation. New habits, new practices. Getting back to really simple basics (my kids used to call my range of motion exercises “baby exercises” both because they looked so simple and some other reason i forget…) like re-learning to stand. Noticing all of this freaking tension I hold randomly in my body. Releasing it. Checking in again.
I really was on a pretty intently-moving train of trying to “figure out” my health, the right formula, the thing that would make me “normal” again.
Oh, let’s face it. I never was normal to begin with.
Why on earth would i be becoming normal now?
It’s ok! I mean, No, thank you.
Normal is not the goal. Awake is the goal. Expressing love is the goal. Simply being is the goal. But if you absolutely must have a goal, facilitating remembrance of wholeness and relationship is the goal. Pretty good goal if you absolutely must have one.
This shift in focus (health was definitely a big part of the goal, spirituality was a big part of the goal, relationships were a big part of the goal) to a single goal (evolving! which has room for mastery in all the other goals!) certainly still incorporates inputs from all of the facets of my life. is my compassion growing? is my patience growing? or is my frustration growing? and if it is, at what cost? and which, of these many delightful tools might we want to use to turn back to God, to patience, to presence, to truth?
Evolving as an individual and as a collective is simply the most interesting thing in the world to me. None of the news of the day holds my interest, dramatic and invasive as it may be. Yes, the world is happening. Yes, infinite perspectives on things could have you quite mad or quite happy. But for what? What is that anger in service of? The fulfillment of what value does that happiness represent? These deeper questions, these essential questions, are the ones that bear the most fruit.
I have a lot of anger, and I am so grateful for it. It’s part of what spurs me on to really embrace compassion. I watched a comedy special that reminded me that my anger is necessary. Not to stew in, but to be driven from to make real my commitment to the sanctity of all life. Because enough really is e-fucking-nough.