i feel happier in this moment, in a more active way, than i’ve been able to muster in a number of years. I’ve been fortunate enough that I’ve had plenty of contentment and harmony even during periods of great pain and confusion. these things have coexisted, but the pain is diminishing and the confusion is almost fully gone, so the contentment can upgrade to engagement and the harmony can make way for joy. and the joy doesn’t have a condition. i don’t have to accomplish anything or be received in any particular way. i have a pretty small circle of friends and community, but each is very special to me, and activated in a way that had been passive right up until, i think, my birthday. and now the aromatherapy fragrance is hitting the fan. I know who i am. i know what I am. I know how I serve. i am here. i am here. i am here. i have been saying these words since i came across them on a ferry ride to sicily (the work of Paul Selig) and now i have a felt sense of them that was really just a pipedream for several years. Perserverence pays off! Putting a single purpose first will eventually get traction. the traction feels good.
i just got off the phone with my mother. she is lovely. she’s also a nexus of some of my sensitivities. and in those moments with that phone call, the sensitivities were like cones in an agility course and it was easy and fluid and nothing got activated. I’ve been unpeeling layers of identity and diffusing triggers (and filling out radical forgiveness worksheets) for so long, i’m starting to feel the light on my face. relationships are funnier and more fun. i don’t have to like everything and i don’t have to solve everything, and those are big steps for me. and another big step? i genuinely am not trying to make something happen. i am just doing what is before me. and finally, finally, finally I have some pretty juicy stuff before me. and i am in a position to engage with a light heart, loving intentions, and no attachment to the outcome. do the work for the joy of the work, and leave the unfolding to life itself. I credit Eric Klein’s Gita to bringing that sense into my receiving and giving.
that was a year ago right about now, i was copyediting Eric’s 40 day exploration of the Gita. I had just found out about a betrayal in my extended family. it was actually quite the clusterfuck. The Gita study during that time, a couple of hours per day, was such a blessing. Everyone should be so lucky as to be studying sacred texts during difficult times. Leading up to that help on the Gita I was trying to get Eric to do a program on slowing down. here, a year later, i just put up a course. i’m pretty happy about that. and now, i have to engage with the areas of discomfort. But, because I feel purpose, and because I feel engaged in what I feel is most important in life, I’m not worried about it. and that is a weird and wonderful new feeling.