what if just being who we are is enough?

I have this pipedream of Josie going to Idyllwild Arts for 11th & 12th grade. It’s crazy expensive and we have a long, long list of priorities before we drop that kind of cash. As in, we could do another trip or Josie could go there. I might even pick that. But, brainstorming ideas, I thought, “what if i followed the ittybiz example and charge $250 to reframe an issue?” I am an expert reframer. It made us laugh. what if we could fund our lifestyle with me just doing what i do.

and why not? mostly because who gives a shit what I have to say. I mean, i typically try to spin an inspiring, you’ve-had-the-power-all-along type tale, I’m wrong as often as i’m right and it’s really just another story. And who needs stories. I mean, the world needs stories, but do we? Aren’t stories just the things we get caught up in and lose sight of who we truly are?  I don’t really want to contribute to that. And I don’t want to pretend I have all the answers. But what I do have are endless approaches for feeling your way through something, getting from point a to point b.

But, it would be nice to do something i’m naturally good at and facilitate something cool for our family. wow, it’s been a long time since I contributed to the finances, though i have drained quite a bit. I am cognizant of this, and honestly it has been a huge part of the conversation in my head around the struggle to believe in worth without action. where’s the evidence of my worth. how can just being me be enough? I was entirely resistant to the idea, which made my forced stillness all the more difficult to bear. and it wouldn’t let me out until i could get there. and got there, i did. mostly. i spent a long time getting to the point that i genuinely could feel my own value despite not having a roster of “why” it was valid. Then something shifted, and while i still struggle with it from time to time, the path back to wholeness in the present moment becomes easier and easier to see. I have enough practices – I’m like an agent with a rolodex – there’s a path to anything/anyone.

As I write this Udemy course, slowing down/stillness becomes broader and broader, deeper and deeper. which is exciting because i think i could probably do a whole bunch of these courses just with the material i’d originally intended just for the first one. I’m contemplating writing down how many minutes per day i spend in tai chi or meditation. i’m drawn by the accountability aspect, and the tracking with general well being, but i also don’t want to make it a show. or is it already a show and that makes it more transparent? things to be thinking about as this all develops.

I am clear Evolving is my sole goal. it includes every other goal. and that teaching is a method of learning and I want to keep the flow of learning, so it’s time to share my practice  and actively show up in the world, so this is my obvious (only?) next step.

Leave a Reply