maybe the scariest day I’ve had

Today, while reading about repression I had a moment. Or perhaps the moment had me. All of the sudden, my body started to shake. Well, actually, it took me about 10 attempts to read this one paragraph, and a full half an hour to get through the page, and then the stuff started in my body and then i experienced the emergence of a lie I told, something i had rationalized and minimized and thought I’d addressed sufficiently to be “over.” Yeah. Not so much in my body. My body let me know today that it was NOT OK.

My body has been letting me know for years that I have things to address to be the person I want to be. Part of me has felt for some time that the journey of illness – well, that the body is on my side and that anywhere this journey takes me is someplace I need to go. And I have been brave. and relentless. You will have a hard time finding a rock I have been unwilling to turn over. Until today. Then about 20 little rocks poured down – little bits of shame and frustration, absolute aghastness at what an asshole I can be and have been and  seem to not be able to shake being.

I had an experience several months ago with trauma in my elbows. It had been a physical experience that was traumatic, but quick, and so I sortof mentally blocked it out as over without fully processing it. I was surprised – because it was so long ago. and over. I barely even remembered it. I didn’t recognize the trauma much less its lack of resolution. My range of motion in my arms opened up significantly and a certain level of pain stopped. I have been dumpster-diving every single stinking thing in my past, and the stuff that has tripped me up, and comes to be  “healing events” are SO unexpected. This? This is what it got me stuck? Seriously? OK. I guess so.

My whole body has been shaky all day. There’s something here. And oddly enough it is requiring me to rethink everything i think i know about myself, re-look at stories I had spun to make more acceptable. I’m practically a professional at re-spinning stories.

Luckily, I’m also practically a professional at surrendering to Life Itself. Because without the deep and consistent practice I have been cultivating these many years, I have too many reasons to hate myself today, too many stupid things I’ve done, too many bull-in-a-china-shop moments, too many acts of total unconscious foolishness and fear. All those things. And for every redeeming quality I might have, I can match it with so many moments of Just. Plain. Wrong.  All I can do is surrender. Surrender and stand in amazement at the quality of friends in my life, the utter amazingness of my husband, the patience of my family.  I have not made this life easy on those around me. I have difficult ways of being. And because Tucker is so patient with me, I guess I got to thinking I wasn’t so difficult.

And so, tonight, as I lay me down, I have no choice but to surrender. I know that wallowing in my thoughts is literally the most foolish thing I can do. I know believing our thoughts is the source of our suffering. And my dear teacher Byron Katie’s Work will have me know that the opposite of whatever I am thinking is at least as true. We are, all of us, equal. We are, all of us, imperfect. We are, all of us, doing more than we understand with our limited minds. Life is so much bigger than we know. All I can hope to do is evolve. To love better, bigger, more fully – ever greater expressions of love, freedom and relationship. To Love itself. Expressing and evolving. As and through us. Even when, sometimes, we are idiots.

 

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