signals and signs

I’ve spent the last decade teaching myself to use events of my life as cues to move into deeper breathing, mantra, relaxation or some other life-positive pivot. Sometimes it is physical pain. Sometimes it is emotional. Sometimes it is old and sometimes feels new. By embracing the discomfort of the moment, the confusion or the pain, and letting it be and recognizing I am part of life and life has cycles — it typically takes me off the mental bus of 1,000 scary stories and puts me in a more receptive mood that maybe doesn’t take everything to mean everything.

I am so grateful for the training.

Those thoughts are just as distracting as they were before I ever started these practices, but the tools (perhaps because i have so many of them) derail them. And they come back and another tool, and as I said yesterday, how quickly I can apply the tool – how much suffering I let myself endure first – and this cycle has new potentialities. The channel of underlying stress in my mind and my body is not the thoroughfare it used to be, and if I am going to be well, i need to be diligent.

Sometimes, during a flow period, I wonder why I am ever sad, life is so tenderly unfolding before us. Then I get into one of these ebb periods, and perhaps the ebb period is defined as not feeling that way, but the habit of my psyche is to worry, to project and to blame and defend. And much like the yin yang symbol, there’s still some ebb in the flow period (I somes still behave defensively when I am feeling great) and the flow in the ebb period is the practice – is the connection to the fact that I am simply, and quite out of my control, an expression of some larger creative force that is alive within me as evidenced by my being alive. All this other stuff is self-generated. and that’s fine. but it’s not real. it’s like my kids playing videogames. They get all worked up about something completely imaginary.

The feminine power class has had me going back to whatever disenfranchised portion of my psyche initially registered the wound, and i’ve had a lot of interesting and soothing experiences employing that practice when the cue of mental discomfort pops up, but I don’t have the energy for that today. Today, I just want to be with it and overlay it with mantra. I’ve got a nifty ring-based counter and i’m going to try to get to 1,000 mantra repetitions today. That’s a lot. but as i said, it’s been a decade of practice (and I secretly hope I go to 1500. wish me luck.)

one thing i do know: after 1,000 mantras, the situation is going to look a little different.

Leave a Reply