maybe there’s hope

All those painful things that humble me┬áreally are a good thing. It’s possible I’d be insufferable without them. Sometimes I really am a jerk. i don’t want to be, but sometimes there it is. Apologize. Integrate the lesson. Hope that if it comes up again, bringing more presence to it. Being better, naturally, because evolving is towards greater love. So, if the explicit and implicit and any -plicit there could possibly be, if the goal is love, the only goal is evolving ever opening to love, freedom and relationship.

Again, the reason for this writing. to keep this, thinking about this, having a practice of regularly touching in with *evolving is my only goal, and literally the most natural thing in the world because everything alive is doing it, so remember the goal and sit tight, you’re in good hands. the universe’s hands. life itself’s hands. and life itself knows what it is doing. and when it fails, ok, that’s interesting, but life itself goes on expressing fully everywhere in the universe. How cool is that.

If only it were that simple.

But it really freaking is, if we can stay present to simplicity. And quit defining outcomes. Man, that’s tough. Setting parameters on what has to happen is a one-in-a-billion recipe for happiness. I mean, that *might* happen, but really, do we need to be OK

I find, without exception, that when i do not ask the question i want to ask, i regret it. Today I made a fool of myself because i was going to ask a question and didn’t and proceeded to prove my ignorance. I hope I am learning from this stuff. There really are whole swaths of human experience where I am clueless. and perhaps offensive. totally without meaning to be. but, still. It’s disappointing.

and yet the yin and the yang are alive in all of us. things we love and do and are, and things we are less fond of. Even as basic as thinking bodily functions are gross. less than ideal experiences exist as soon as ideal experiences exist. Can I get my mind to understand that and literally stop judging “that’s great” and “that’s special” because it always gets countered by “that’s wrong” and “that’s lacking”. Everything is whole. live THAT.

I also have the rationalization that sometimes I am just a tool of the universe. sometimes things just go so. freaking. wrong. there was no way I am solely responsible. like the worst table i ever had as a waitress. wrong food, cooked wrong, long wait, corked wine, just everything bad. and then, literally, when they forced me to bring him a check (that man never should have paid) the pen broke and leaked ink all over his suit. Just. that. bad. I was the deliverer of strange tidings. It felt awful. And, of course, not nearly as awful as it was for him – and i wonder if he remembers. i mean, i do. it stuck with me, did it stick with him? I bet not. I bet he let it go. I think I obviously should, too. (Like the monk… i put her down miles ago…)

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