Gay Henricks had a book and in it I read* each person has to take 100% responsibility for the relationship. It’s not 50/50, it’s 2 100%s. I have to do the work that allows me to stand in the moment and take 100% responsibility for my life at this moment, and then I can take 100% responsibility for our relationship. And it’s an interesting nut to crack.
If one often meets his destiny on the road to avoid it (and let’s face it, our destiny is WHAT IS HAPPENING, so here it is) we can “try” to do a lot of things and end up doing quite the opposite. trying to do things is exhausting. just being has to be the starting point. and when i’m trying to ‘just be’ quite a bit comes up, and when it comes up, I try to address it with an open heart.
Over the last decade I’ve been unraveling the emotional traumas in my body. and as i’ve done so, my symptoms subside or lessen to a very functional level. and as i relax more deeply into that level, things come up to be transformed. and that’s uncomfortable. but its awesome. and as you can see something at its source, and go in and bring the fullness of your current knowledge and wisdom to it, i find that very often you see that it’s no longer needed, and in that state can “drop it” because you’ve integrated it in the moment. it no longer holds the energy. and as i’m addressing the psychological work, the physical un-doing has literally gotten me to the point of needing to relearn how to stand and walk. One of the best parts of my 4 days were two daily walks (tucker usually tends) because i used them as practice for my dropped-sacrum walking. it is something that is very very slow for me, but it is the foundational change that i am in the midst of. And, like everything, the more I practice, the more it integrates. The physical journey, the mental journey, the emotional journey and the spiritual journey are like the 4 ventricles of the heart (i don’t know if that’s the right word) they beat as one.
As i’ve reached understandings of causation of patterns and held the supporting beliefs up to the light of day, things are unwinding, but in my description of the causation has been, of course, from my perspective. I experienced this situation as this, acted accordingly built a belief. belief gets activated as a trigger, examine it, let it go – at it’s pace. life proceeds at the pace of integration as Eric Klein would say.
The cast of characters in my drama are lovely people. everyone is doing his/her best. big hearts. Also: the cast of characters in my drama. Deliverers of my karma (again, Eric Klein). Not the cause of anything, the activator of something. Hello, messenger. thank you, i will inquire into that. Enter story. Dismantle story. Be Free.
I thought I was explicit about not blaming my family for my condition. My condition has everything to do with my life, with my beliefs and responses and desires and what i’m growing into… I had to stop trying to figure out how to life the life i wanted and feel into the areas where self-sabotage had the reins, and be curious about that dynamic and find the deepest truth available to you in this moment. Has everything to do with the present. Releasing the past in the present and thus creating the future (Course In Miracles)
I grew up with dysfunctional dynamics, as most everyone does. and how we respond to them and how we develop our outlook on life and who we are in relation to it and what we want – that’s sortof the earth-dwelling self. This isn’t the road i want to go on right now
what i want to finish with is blame, because blame exists at the level just below responsibility, and i think that’s actually the step FROM blame. Like, releasing blame is the prerequisite for getting into responsibility. And the deeper we release blame, the more we take full responsibility for all aspects of our experience, wow. life transforms. Having taken a lot of responsibility for every aspect of my experience here on earth, ‘blame’ becomes more and more something to appreciate – thank you for pulling my trigger, because i bring my full presence to this trigger. You don’t “make me feel” a certain way, this trigger you push activates something within me that I need to sort out. I need to take responsibility. I take it into the caverns of my heart, and go through and meet myself there, with the full resources of my whole self, not reliant or dependent on anyone; but fully in relationship with everything.
*that’s gramatically bad, but i did it because i don’t know if gay hendricks is a man or a woman, so i couldn’t figure out to say if he or she wrote it. my mother in law’s name is gay, so i have this feminine association, but i think that’s not applicable here