so much to write about

two things are on my mind that i’d like to capture. one is how many choices we make per day, and how many of them are conscious. the other is what kind of person i want to be, i am, i am growing into. these come from two thoughts – the feelings i felt when i first got sick (“but, i’m healthy. i consciously make healthy decisions all the time”) and the feeling that I am finally who i have always wanted to be (the byron katie book really helped me recognize that. i’d been feeling it, simply because things keep opening up, but this put those feelings in the context of ‘who you are’ and who you are right now is *enough* but so. much. more. than enough. you are, i am, we are, s/he is a abundantly radiant presence. That’s tough to get at first, everything seems so wrong (climate, politics, education – you name it) how can everything be enough. but this is a conversation away from the other two…

putting some words around the person i’ve always wanted to become – and beginning to have more laughter has really put the crescendo on it – is light and open and life-positive and funny. Huh. I thought there were going to be some paragraphs here, but that about sums it up. No, of course ‘living in a state of appreciation’ and ‘celebrating loving relationships’ and conundrums like ‘stillness/action” and “service/healthy boundaries” and things like that have to be in there, too. Appreciation. Presence. Willingness. Curiosity.

So, as more and more moments are getting clocked in that column, my heart is opening and my patterns are coming up for the looking at and i’m less rushed and annoyed and frustrated. i still have remnants of many of my drives for old paradigms of success, but i have a presence of mind that reminds me of my only goal: evolving, ever towards love. That clears things up pretty fast.

Which leads to the second idea. Thinking I made healthy choices because I enforced a bunch of predelections (margarine, aspartame and msg are bad) and occassionally ate meals other than pasta.

What I realized when my body took the reins was that I was making 5 or 6 healthy choices a day (exercising, a piece of fruit, not having a donut, meditating (“sometimes”) – 5 or 6 healthy choices a day, but you never knew which ones on which days or at least I sure as heck didn’t). What I didn’t realize is that I was making 100+ decisions every day. So the 5 or 6 kindof sucked as a ratio. and I was making 20 mediocre decisions because a better decision felt too hard. and 20 more that were admittedly bad decisions (but were expedient, made someone else feel better, or went directly against my gut for some reason or another). More than 50 decisions remained that I was completely unconscious of. Decisions I’d made dozens or more years ago that no longer had any relevence to my life but had become habitual and so are still on payroll. More than half of my decisions were habits so entrenched I couldn’t even see them.

I’ve been working on this for a long time, on wellness, on connection to nature and others and universe, on Life Itself flowing through me with fewer and fewer obstructions. Of being an instrument of love itself with fewer and fewer sour notes. And as i’m able to be present enough to focus on life as it is unfolding in the moment as being absolutely what it is and what it is is divine, different old habits and patterns keep ramping up to the surface to be addressed, acknowledged, invited into awareness. Yeah, so that’s way better than the ‘you’re not good enough’ whip cracking mental activity i had going on for the first 50 years…


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