Today was a very good day. It included me realizing ways in which i can be a jerk, which is great because “awareness is the healing agent” so even cringey stuff has it’s purpose if we can embrace it. It also included me spending a lot of time on tai chi and seemingly getting worse, but again, mistakes fuel growth and time in is time in (in that concept of 10,000 hours. oh, man, i hadn’t thought about that in relationship to tai chi before. now i really have to start spending bigger blocks of time because at an hour per day it will take 27 years to get that 10000 hours in. aw, man. this went from a very good day to a kindof depressing day. ok. excuse me while i take a few breaths).
Perhaps it has been a good day because even recognizing an error is auspicious and stopping mid-stream or not repeating it is a boon. i mean, i spend a lot of time talking about evolving, growing, not holding on to poor habits or dysfunctional beliefs, so as things come into view or i get to unwind something it’s meeting my goal even if (maybe especially if) it’s uncomfortable. I get excited to think about who I might be without all of this junk, and wonder if i’ll ever get to live her fully. Each noticing, when met with acknowledgment instead of denial, brings me closer to finding out. It’s good incentive.
Josie just read from some high school social instagram post that her astrological sign, mine, Jake’s and Tucker’s all fall in the “offends people without realizing it” squad. Pretty funny, since that is one of the things I recognized!
Ages ago, by high school for certain, i developed a policy that if you were going to try to offend me, you were going to have to work hard at it. As in, bring down a brick wall. Obviously, this was a defense mechanism from a socially challenged childhood, but I figured people offended or hurt my feeling me without even trying and that just seemed ridiculous. Plus, people are SO OFTEN misunderstood. So it’s a policy I’ve kept in force for many years. I try not to take things personally. I try not to discern what you were “really” saying. If you’re “really saying x” please, just say “x” and if you don’t yet you expect me to understand “x,” good luck. As a policy, I am taking you at face value. Hence, I miss a lot.
If you have ever met me (with 3 distinct exceptions, to whom I am sorry) you know that if I had any problem with you at all, I’d bring it up first thing. I am not very subtly trying to get some message across. there it is: I am not subtle. I can be pretty delirious, though, and offend people without realizing it at all and with no intention to at all. Oops.
I’m happy to have all of this stuff all up and about so it can be sorted and settled.