so much i don’t know

going to Tai Chi is so humbling. I want to know so deeply and I’m working hard to barely scratch the surface. More mentally working hard, though. such a poor habit. i used to worry about japanese many hours per day, but only practice japaneseĀ for about a half an hour. I wonder what was up with that. No doubt if i practiced as much as i thought about it, i’d have much madder skillz than i’ve got.

I’m reading a book at the monastery describing one gentleman’s experiences with mystical indian saints exploring deeper realities and all kinds of cool stuff. I feel like my life is so full of stuff I want to know more about, how can i possibly get to that level? Mystical experience is so fantastic to me. part of me knows absolutely that it is the gate to infinite love. part of me thinks its just a weird dream-like apparition, part of me marvels at how deep the truth must be to have such a broad and varied host of expressions and experiences.

One of the nice things about finally finding this word “evolving” to bring into coalition all of the things i’ve cared about and do care about and want to contribute to. i think since love is right in the first 4 letters it literally contains love – it speaks to what is most life-positive, is the way of all of the living things we can witness or learn about – it has us take our place not as some “pinnacle” of “civilization” kind of junk, but as growing, changing beings experiencing life and interacting with it with the power of nature herself.

the best part about ‘evolving’ as the word is that I intrinsically can’t know what evolving leads to – i have no real picture i’m trying to meet. i’m just choosing love, deep breaths, relaxing, responding. Something like “enlightenment” I have probably 500 ideas about. Evolving? Just a trust that it seems to happen in life-positive ways.

I want to experience reverence for everything. i get glimpses, and i am often overlaying reverence because i know what i am seeing is life itself and that’s how i want to respond. but i know that there is a place in me from which reverence rises up naturally (not as an intellectual process but as a choice making itself.) I would imagine that evolving would include that space. in any case, i like the thought.

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