Happiness, Inside

Happiness is nice. My typical experience with happiness tended to be 1) surprise and delight, 2) sharing it; having an almost frenetic energy of needing and wanting to connect with people about it, and 3)wondering where it went.

Today I’m going to try a different approach. I’m happy about 1,000 little things and it has a surge of energy and my habitual behavior would be to find channels to share it. But, today, I am going to sit with it in stillness. Instead of wanting to bring it to my outside world, I’m wanting to invest it into my inner world. This process maybe is doing both. But I’m going to go sit, and bring the happiness to stillness the way I bring all the other emotions to stillness. I’m kindof excited about that. It doesn’t feel particularly natural and I’m not sure this is my new habit, but maybe I don’t want to develop a habit. Choose your habits wisely, right? That is what the whole slowing down thing is about. Slowing down as a habit has been a very nice practice, and now applying it to this is going to be interesting.

I spend a lot of time thinking, and a lot of time feeling my body (which is another profound new habit I had zero capacity in before), and a lot of time sitting, being. But I also spend a whole bunch of time in the world, in activity. And the stillness fuels the activity in harmonious and adventurous ways (whereas without the stillness, activity was mostly frenetic and trying to prove something/solve something/’do my best’). And here, with this happiness, I want to jump into activity but I can feel it wouldn’t be connected to the root. It would just fly away. Taking it inside, I think I may have a new experience. And because it’s new, I don’t know what will happen, but I have a feeling it is going to be *very good*

Once I told Danielle LaPorte, “I have happiness inside me, but I can’t seem to bring it to the surface.” My day-to-day of my life had foundations of happiness but the experience was full of self-doubt and striving and keeping score and contending with what came my way. And then this intrusive neighbor who deeply wanted to be my friend kept telling me, “You’re not happy!” and I was like, “look at my life, yes I am” Actually, that happened first.¬†And the introspection it caused brought the rift between the happiness I felt on the inside and it’s not lurking at the surface of my life.

Today it feels that way. That happiness feels like it has the freest, most open channel to the day-to-day that it’s ever had, that I am having the experience of the whole experience, not levels of it.

So, cool! I’m going to go be still!

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