Ever-Evolving

I don’t know where I got the idea that one grows through childhood and adolescence and then becomes an adult who is then relatively stable from first cocktail through death. That is most definitely not the case in my experience. Indeed, I would venture to say that my young adulthood was far more transitional than my adolescence. And my 40’s are profoundly evolutionary. I felt like the same person from the age of enlightenment, or my memory, well into my 30’s. I do not feel like the same person anymore.

I am thrilled with the changes that have transpired in me. Even though I am only in the very baby steps of my journey through forgiveness, surrender and the experience of all as God, this is so much better than my journey to prove myself, demonstrate my worthiness and try to get a really good tan.

The life of constant dissatisfaction is slowly ebbing away. Trust is really taking its place. I feel like I always wanted this kind of transition, but somehow it is only recently that I can feel and sense and be in the space of trust and the flow of life itself. Is it maturity? Is it a change in the collective consciousness that is making it easier for people like me? Is it grace?

My kids aren’t particularly spiritually inclined, and my hope for them is that when they do turn their gazes to the stars, that the quickening of spirit uplift them. That experiential interaction with life itself moving through you as it moves the stars is enough to dawn a new journey in their experience.  And just like women’s rights stands on the shoulders of those who went before, and the struggle goes on but in ever-widening circles, may my children and all the children be lifted by the breakthroughs of , well, everyone who cares.

I care a great deal. Especially in the last year or so I have a felt sense of my responsibility to vibrate at the highest frequency available to me by choice, so as to contribute to the upliftment of humanity.

I never realized at any other time in my history that rehashing an old wound or sitting in judgement of something that was obviously wrong/corrupt/pathetic, was a choice. An active choice of a pretty negative current, no matter how “right” my judgement may have been. And, let’s face it, even saying that I’m just fooling myself.

There is a piece of The Presence Process that validates everything you feel, but basically says, “So What?” Yes, that happened. Yes, it was hard. Yes, you can feel injured. But frankly, here you are sitting here, injured or not, be present. Take responsibility for your own being.  You can blame all you want, and that blame may be entirely valid, but it is still utterly meaningless in the journey to where you want to go. That just takes a decision. Full responsibility. And a practice.

I think I’ve heard that stuff thousands of times in my life. And I really, really wanted to integrate it. Why it didn’t start taking hold until recently, I do not know. But what I do know is that breathing, walking, meditating, reading, writing – doing these things slowly and methodically and as a practice, my life is changing. My thoughts are fewer and far more gentle. My natural facial structure is a smile. I worry less – I think less in general, and more of my thinking is appreciative. These are the changes I’d been hoping for. I have slowing down to thank.

But, I also have evolving to thank. A picture of myself as a growing, changing being. Adulthood was sortof represented to me in my youth as something you become and then sortof defend. Here’s why I’m right and everyone else is wrong, and if I’m not good enough, screw you. That was what I saw, whether or not it was what culture was trying to represent. A lot has changed since then. I’m really grateful for those changes.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *