Surrendering, with Michael Singer

No, this is not an interview with Michael Singer. But, this is a mid-book journal, reflecting on his life and experience, my life and experience and surrender as a release of selfishness and the acceptance of universal cooperation. Since looking up the definition of surrender the other day, I’ve been frustrated by the synonyms. It’s not defeat. It’s not giving in to an enemy.

Unless love itself is an enemy of the mind. And of the rational mind, yes, i guess it is. But who is the enemy to peace? certainly not surrender. the rational mind is an enemy to any potential of peace for most people.

I’m glad I didn’t know about this book in the earlier stages of my personal surrendering practice, because I may have started to fantasize about what surrendering could get me. Man, oh, man, am I glad that thought process didn’t ignite.

I realize that even my most altruistic ventures always had this sense of “and then i’ll be grand” attached to it. It’s creepy to me now. I really felt having a rosy vision of the future was important in goal setting. I thought a lot of things that I am no longer interested in and indeed saddened that I ever ascribed to.

The first company i ever started I named I. HOJON Productions. The name is an acronym for In Honor Of Jesus Of Nazareth. Coming fresh from a Japanese degree, and having that acronym sound vaguely Asian, I looked it up thinking the characters may make a good logo. The company was intended to produce cultural awareness shows for kids representing as many communities as we could. In the Japanese dictionary, the phonetic I. HOJON┬ábroke into ai (love) Ho (many definitions, one of which was *hmm.. i’m having a hard time remembering and don’t want to interrupt writing to look. maybe abundance. ho has a lot of potential definitions) and zyan (innocence, purity and/or net as in profit). Seemed like a match made in heaven!

This site, kriyativity, comes from the name of an action figure company we started to represent the heroes of Indian cosmology – truly epic superheros. But, the connection to kriya yoga made the name another shoe-in in my life.

But, names don’t matter. The idea that these ideas were coming from and for me to birth in the world with my smarty pants brain and willing to be a mule work ethic, well, it was not right. Obviously. All the good intentions in the world can’t overcome the bullshit ego crap I didn’t even know I had, much less was willing to get rid of.

I have uncountable flaws. I get this. Part of this human condition for me is accepting myself despite them, and being willing to surrender my identification with them in the moments they reveal themselves so kindly. I remember the moment when the yin/yang symbol revealed itself in my body, letting me know that I can never erase all of the black parts (and spot) and just be this glowing white being. Beginning the shadow work became less frightening with that invitation.

And still, the shadow work progresses in my life, as does the ascending work, and I trust the universe to provide me with the tools and circumstances to keep the process moving along as it should. For so many years I was sad that I’ve never had a direct spiritual teacher, that i thought i was ready but no one showed up. I learned to receive my teacher both in my heart and in the bounty of spiritual literature and that has kept me quite busy and progressing in palpable ways.

Earlier, when I said I was just a little jealous… i don’t feel that now. I can see my reliance on personal preference over the years, the personal responsibility I felt to do, accomplish, shepherd things, and painfully, the aggrandizement of my ego — not simply act as the instrument. I think i figured that because my intentions were based on understanding, learning, oneness … that my ego was spiritual and thereby deserving of sticking around. How funny is that? I mean deluded, of course. And I never recognized it. I’m pretty sure I would’ve given an eloquent and convincing (only to me) argument on why it really was appropriate. Today I both see that it’s not, and see the construct I’d set up for myself so that I could keep believing that it was. It’s a big deal for me. I’m grateful. Thank you, Mr. Singer.

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