Perhaps I have had some tendencies towards perfectionism in my life. And perhaps I have not had an intuitive understanding regarding why that might not be a good thing. I mean, of course everything should be perfect, or at least as close to perfect as possible, every freaking second of every freaking day. Doesn’t that sound right to you?
I remember vividly, and I don’t know if I’ve written this before, being in early elementary school, feeling that the world out there was a smooth running machine where everything clicked efficiently along and we were in school so that we could learn to do everything right and thereby take our place in the highly efficient machine of life on earth. That was certainly the way the teachers made it sound.
Seems like a dirty trick to play on a little kid. I mean, what did I ever do to them?
So maybe I had some effed up views on what the real world was actually like. And maybe then I felt a little superior because I cared about doing things “right.” And maybe I took it too far and made my life really a lot more difficult for really futile gains. And maybe that contributed to my body calling it quits.
Enter Candy Crush.
Ridiculous, right? Well, weirdly enough it has really helped me.
At some point during our Europe trip, someone downloaded candy crush. And I play apps when I am a passenger in a traffic jam. It’s just a thing to keep me distracted. And I would play candy crush, and I realized I was getting super mad at myself for not immediately achieving candy swapping excellence.
One day it occurred to me just how much candy crush didn’t matter. And exactly how and where I could feel tension in my body as chocolate would eat my spotty things. And I decided that I would play the game just to train myself that IT DOESNT EFFING MATTER. And you know what?
I mean, it was very, very helpful. It was a low-stakes experiment that really allowed me to witness literally where in my body I got tense, how my breathing would change, what anxiety felt like as if this was a real crisis.
Because our bodies can’t tell the difference between a real crisis and a pretend one.
And so, game after game, level after level, I could pause and (OMG) let the chocolate eat stuff while I soothed my breathing or relaxed my shoulders, and let it happen because it’s just a game and who the fuck cares
So, while this is part of the broader experiment of slowing down and relaxing into things and all of the other practices I’ve been doing
I can now play candy crush and not give a rats ass if I win or not
Which for me is a very big win.